That’s it

  • Wild Bill@midwest.social
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    5 months ago

    For the males:

    Could you imagine being in a relationship with a woman who takes on the “masculine role,” i.e. taking you out, taking initiative, being the breadwinner, protecting you, etc?

    Asking because I’ll forever be searching for a man who wants this type of relationship. I don’t know. Reversed roles are sexy, sue me.

      • Wild Bill@midwest.social
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        5 months ago

        I hope you’re right. I keep daydreaming about taking my future man out to dinner, spoiling him, going on shopping trips with him. Feels like people don’t believe me when I say this, like it’s so crazy for a woman to want it. Oh well. :’) Maybe my guy’s out there somewhere.

    • Dr. Wesker@lemmy.sdf.org
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      5 months ago

      I’m okay with this as long as the attitude is loving and not demeaning. But I’d probably need her to be okay with it being a level playing field, and her being fine with me leading when I feel I need to.

      I was once in a relationship with a woman who didn’t know how to hand off the reigns. It was tiring. But I’d love to date someone who is confident enough to switch roles whenever each other needs to.

    • Bear@lemmynsfw.com
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      5 months ago

      Those are good behaviors regardless of whether they are considered masculine or feminine. In my mind femininity is inclusive of the strong beauty archetype. A highly capable person can be both a great leader and a great follower depending on the context.

    • ampedwolfman@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      To an extent this is my marriage. My wife and I both own our own companies. Mine is much more established and therefore offers me some leeway on my in office time (I’m an accountant). This means I often spend more time taking care of our children. I also cook, make grocery store trips, clean (to an extent), etc. She still helps around the house which isn’t ad much as it used to be. But I see her working her ass off so I don’t complain.

      As for protecting me…no. I’m a pretty large dude. 6’3" 250. So unfortunately when things go bump in the night ya boi gets to go investigate.

    • theRealBassist@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      My gf and I have very nontraditional household roles.

      I handle basically all the housework, I make way less money (working in education), and I do most of the cooking and grocery shopping.

      She works… and occasionally folds some laundry by putting it on top of the dryer in the way of everything lol

    • Scubus@sh.itjust.works
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      5 months ago

      Yeah, I would definitely be down with that. The only thing I really want out of a relationship is snuggles because sleeping alone feels so… empty.

      Only minor note is that I’ve been in relationships before where, for reasons beyond my control, I was unable to make an income. It doesn’t matter to me whether I’m the “breadwinner”, but not being able to financially support my other at all was horrible. I don’t know if that’s universal for guys but I would imagine mostly yes.

    • Appoxo@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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      5 months ago

      Sure. At least I don’t think I will be salty about having the inferior wage.
      Dunno about the protection part though. I would personally hope that even the weaker partner would shield me from bad things as well as the strong partner.

    • Papergeist@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      Sometimes, this is the case with my wife and I. We have kind of a fluid relationship. Each of us have things going on in our lives and one of us sometimes can’t contribute to the household as much as the other.

      When my wife was in college, I worked a shitload and was the bread winner. Now I’m in college and not working much at all and she is the breadwinner. Our marriage is hardly ever a 50/50, but we both understand this and I’m confident it’s one of the main reasons we are so great together.

    • Croquette@sh.itjust.works
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      5 months ago

      Yes. There would certainly be some friction points, but I’d much rather take care of my home and family instead of working.

      • davidagain@lemmy.world
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        5 months ago

        I took care of our young kids for a fortnight “instead of working” when my wife was rushed to hospital. It was far more exhausting than doing the day job. I don’t know how single parents cope at all.

        • Croquette@sh.itjust.works
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          5 months ago

          I’m sorry that you lived through that.

          Kids take a lot of energy when everything is going well, so I can imagine the added stress plus no support from your partner make this situation extra hard.

          I was thinking more in a normal scenario where my partner still help, but isn’t the primary caretaker of the kids and home.

          But yeah, taking care of kids alone and working? A feat of resilience for sure.

    • orgrinrt@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      I’m actually in a similar relationship, though not due to design or will, just life and happenstance.

      My so has a great job with good schedule and it’s her “soul” job, not sure what the word is in English but maybe you understand.

      I’m, on the other hand, struggling with finding a career I could sustain. I have ADHD so it’s kinda tough, but we make it work perfectly.

      Nowadays I study an engineering degree, so I’m home keeping the place neat and cooking for her and all that, and she provides the funds for all kinds of fun activities and all the rest you know, food and such included. I don’t mind, though at first my toxic masculinity kind of fought against that and I had a period of feeling bad about it. But we talk a lot and are good with it, so we went through it and it’s been nice since.

      But I can imagine it’s hard for a man without prior experience of such a situation, to acclimate. But I think everyone can acclimate to it and get used to it. Just need to have very good communication to get through the first rough couple of months.

  • kakes@sh.itjust.works
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    5 months ago

    Yes. I’m a guy, and I would love to get a girl’s take on this.

    Do you think Fermi’s “Great Filter” is not necessarily that a civilization destroys itself, but that it discovers a way to destroy the Universe?

    Like, maybe the fabric of our reality is more fragile than we realize, and the reason we don’t see “aliens” is that the universe doesn’t get old enough for intelligent life to meet.

    Of course, this assumes we are in a statistically “average” Universe, since presumably there could be a Universe in which intelligent life co-evolves within the same solar system.

    • AnarchistArtificer@slrpnk.net
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      5 months ago

      I’ve always felt like a lot of the assumptions in Fermi’s Great Filter feels off. Like, the way we talk about “intelligent life” feels iffy, both in astrophysics and other fields. I’m not great at articulating this, but if you’re one for video essays, Dr Fatima Abdurrahman recently made a video that captured much of what I’d struggled to say on this. (https://youtu.be/_tw0aqmnmaw)

      • kakes@sh.itjust.works
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        5 months ago

        I can’t guarantee I’ll watch that video, but I can guarantee I intend to watch it when I can.

        Generally speaking, though, I do agree that most people’s idea of “intelligence” is very anthro-centric, if that’s what you mean.

    • inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      Personally, I think you’re really close to the answer but with an important distinction. The great filter is an hyper aggressive species that does not want to deal with a potential cold war with a different species with technology as advanced as their own. They already launched their doomsday armageddon weapon at us after detecting our existence, probably from something like our farthest satille, Voyager 1.

      It could take generations for the bomb heading to our sun or stealth asteroid heading directly for us to actually connect. But it’s arguably in their best interest not to even chance us becoming militarily on par with them.

      Statistically there is alien life out there somewhere, and whichever one got to interplanetary weapons first would have everything to lose by allowing an equal to exist.

      My question for you is, why do you want a female perspective on this? Idk, doesn’t seem like something that gender would effect.

      • kakes@sh.itjust.works
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        5 months ago

        No offense intended, but do you identify as male? I can’t even be having this conversation if you do.

          • kakes@sh.itjust.works
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            5 months ago

            Phew okay. In that case, I do agree that a hyper-aggressive species could be the Filter, though it’s worth noting that our radio signals have actually reached further than our furthest probe, so I would go off that when doing round-trip destruction calculations. I love Mass Effect’s take on this idea (though I haven’t played 3).

            As for why I asked women: Mostly because I thought the non-sequitur was funny.

    • MindTraveller@lemmy.ca
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      5 months ago

      You mean like what if species at a certain level of development start fucking around with zero point energy and trigger false vacuum decay?

      Actually it’s entirely possible it’s already happened. There are lots of galaxies so far away their light will never reach us if it’s emitted now, and vacuum decay travels at the speed of light AFAIK

      Nonbinary btw

  • KISSmyOSFeddit@lemmy.world
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    5 months ago

    Is there any way for a man to compliment a woman in public without it coming across as weird, or an attempt to hit on her?
    Or should I just not do that in general?

    • anon6789@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      I’ve always been told the best thing to do is stick to complimenting things that are their choices.

      Not great: That outfit makes you look good!

      It’s you coming off as being interested in their physical appearance, not the outfit.

      Better: That’s an awesome T-shirt! Where did you find that?

      It’s you thinking they picked out something cool or stylish and you like their taste in outfits. You’re putting the attention on something they did, not anything about them appearance-wise.

      Especially if they don’t know you, odds are they have no desire to hear a stranger’s opinion on their looks. That’s too personal. But a stranger agreeing with their decision on something like buying something cool generally isn’t.

      Of course, some people are more or less open to any conversation with someone they don’t know, so if you still get ignored or get looked at like a creep, you don’t know their background and you respect that and don’t persist.

      A good rule to go by is if you’re a guy, think of a guy coming up to you and saying the same thing or you saying what you’re going to say to another guy. If you wouldn’t tell another bro that he looks good wearing that, maybe don’t do that to a girl. If you see a guy wearing a band shirt of a group you like though, you’d probably be ok saying “whoa, I love that band too!” or you’d be cool with some random dude telling you the same.

      You shouldn’t be afraid to talk to people, but you should always be respectful and keep in mind how well you know them and keep conversation at that level of appropriateness.

      • Otter@lemmy.ca
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        5 months ago

        In addition to this, I’ve heard people say to do ‘drive by compliments’. If you’re not trying to start up a conversation or don’t want the person to worry about a conversation, you can drop the compliment right as you’re about to leave the situation. It has its downsides as well

        • Clay_pidgin@sh.itjust.works
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          5 months ago

          This has been my strategy. I like to compliment people because I can remember the few times it’s happened to me, but I’m not trying to creep anyone out. Mostly stuff like “awesome shirt!” or “hey, sweet hat”. Never “nice cock, bro”. And never with the intention of starting a conversation. Mostly like passing by someone and pointing “excuse me, love the boots.”, then keep on truckin’ by.

          • Jarix@lemmy.world
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            5 months ago

            Heh i have a couple stories.

            At costco picking up hotdogs for the crew, get back to car and notice older (60+) lady with Doc Martins on (i figure shes an old hippie but doesnt really matter) so i tell her i love your big stompy boots! And because of her style i add, “you may not but i think you would love Jon Fluevog shoes” she thanks me and says she has a couple pairs and loves them but doesnt wear them every day so they last longer.

            Pleasant 45 second interaction.

            At a music festival in victoria bc watching a metal band called Malahat, see a younger woman wearing the same colour converse shoes im wearing standing next to me, bamd pauses and i tell her she has terrible taste is shoes as im looking down and pointing to my own shoes. She was confused for a moment then laughed loudly enough security looked my way.

            Have used the shoe bit a couple times stuck in close quarters (elevators hallways transit etc) a few times not always successfully but usually it goes over well when they notice im wearing the same shoes.

            Sometimes i have to explain it was just an intentionally bad joke(i do love a bad pun and a good dad joke) but rarely usually is well received. But thats literally all i intend and it usually happens in passing.

            (Middleaged white guy beardo)

        • bamboo@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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          5 months ago

          It has its downsides as well

          Leaving a bar to catch a train and I did this when closing my tab. Ended up in a conversation and missing my train.

      • Sparkles@fedia.io
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        5 months ago

        Yes I like this! When people (even random strangers) compliment an external thing and it reflects something like a mutual interest that can be pretty cool. Especially if it’s a fellow metalhead.

    • Jojo, Lady of the West@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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      5 months ago

      Not without another reason to be talking to her. If she’s charging with you on the bus for a minute, go for it. But if she’s walking past you on the street, keep it to yourself

    • inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      I love compliments! So long as it’s not an attempt to start a conversation, if you think I’m pretty say so! But please don’t expect me to say anything besides “thank you” and keep walking.

      The only time I would rather a guy didn’t is if I am forced to stay in the area. If we are in a elevator or waiting room, don’t make it awkward because I’m absolutely not gonna reciprocate or set up a date with someone I don’t know.

      • EmptySlime@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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        5 months ago

        That’s basically been my experience as a “guy” too. I’ve given tons of compliments to random passing women and never once had it received poorly. The problem a lot of guys have is that their idea of a compliment is telling a woman she’s got nice tits as a pretense to engage in conversation. Usually with the end goal of getting a date.

    • Sparkles@fedia.io
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      5 months ago

      Not really, to be honest. Unless it’s an event or venue where there is that expectation. Most of us just want to go about our business in general. I would say the first reason is just wanting to be left alone to do what we planned to do at any given time. Secondly, people don’t always take no for an answer. At best, it’s just another bother. At worst, it can be potentially scary. Hope this helps.

    • AnarchistArtificer@slrpnk.net
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      5 months ago

      The other person who you replied to makes good points - it’s always going to be context dependent and it drives me mad when I’m out and about and have so many signals projecting “leave me alone” (such as wearing headphones, being on the phone, studying etc.) and a guy hits on me.

      However, if someone is generally approachable, I’ve found that the best compliments are on something the person has consciously chosen about their appearance. So stuff like graphic t-shirts (especially band t shirts), hair styles (I love people with dyed hair because this presents to me an easy option for compliments).

    • Apytele@sh.itjust.works
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      5 months ago
      1. Don’t, for the most part. If it’s any more effort than literally just turning a and saying a single sentence like if you’d have to take more than a step or two or she’s reading/listening to something and you’d have to do something to break her attention, don’t bother. There’s good odds that’s intentional on her part but at the very least it’s annoying. There’s a little bit of flex to these depending on culture, so it’s always worth asking a woman from your own culture.

      2. Don’t compliment the natural state of her body, for a variety of reasons. A haircut or other cosmetic choice is usually fine. Tattoos are fine but bring up another point, avoid complimenting things in the bathing suit zone. It sounds obscure/complicated but consider the example of a tattoo poking out of a shirt collar. We all know it’s on her tit; leave it alone.

      3. Do compliment something she chose, especially if it looks like something they put a lot of effort into choosing like a coordinated outfit, or a well-made cosplay. It can also help to avoid complimenting the shirt and/or skirt (possibly misconstrued to tits and ass) and choose an accessory like a bag, bracelet, or scarf instead. Careful about shoes, feet have become a sort of Western cultural shorthand for “weirdo” (despite the relative banality of that kink once you know what other shit goes on in that scene).

      4. Do compliment something specific about the thing that briefly highlights either something you might have in common, or some kind of knowledge/skill you have (example: “I loved [TV show] but was always more of a [different character] fan” or “the leatherwork on your bag is excellent, you have good taste!” (but you better know your leather!). Don’t make it a question (see below)

      5. Say that like, one sentence, then immediately move away slightly and focus your attention on something else entirely. It gives her breathing room and lets her decide what happens next. Most of the time you’ll still probably still get a fake smile/nod, but this is probably the lowest pressure way to approach a strange woman. You’re better off just getting to know people through volunteering or a hobby group (if you really wanna meet women, join a yoga or dance class, or a knitting or romance novel club).

    • Jarix@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      Friday i told the teller at the bank when asked if there was anything else she could do i told her to tell her coworker(who was on the phone behind her) that she was a jerk because her shirt(blouse?) made me want lemonade (white shirt with a repeating lemon print, wasnt sure what it was and took me a bit of looking at it to figure out what it was, but had the time while the teller was processing my deposit)

      Of course both of the bank people know my first name as ive been there before and i used the person’s name.

      I maybe would have said something like that without having met them before, but it would really depend on the scenario and environment. Likely i would have said nothing if there wasnt enough time to explain if it wasnt received well, which isnt always the case in public.

  • Dr. Wesker@lemmy.sdf.org
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    5 months ago

    Male here. Is it true that sometimes farts unexpectedly head north and get lost in the caverns of the bubblegum forest?

  • Mango@lemmy.world
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    5 months ago

    How do I show interest in a pretty girl next to a girl who isn’t without making the not-pretty girl sad?

    • Kattiydid@slrpnk.net
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      5 months ago

      As the less conventionally attractive woman, there’s a few different things that could happen. Option A: you can’t, she knows she’s not as pretty and has always known she’s not as pretty and will feel bad about being the one who doesn’t get hit on no matter what.

      Option B: her and her friend are there to have fun on a girls night out and not to be hit on so she’s actually happy that she’s not the one being bothered. (Assuming this is In a social situation like a bar or a concert where going up to a woman and speaking to them because you are interested is socially acceptable)

      Option C: The “less attractive” friend is presenting that way intentionally and is there for scary dog privilege and will back you down and make you go away because neither of them is interested in being bothered. (More likely in scenarios where it was socially unacceptable to go speak to the pretty girl in the first place, but not uncommon in social settings if the pretty girl is tired of being hit on and asks their friend to play bouncer)

      • Part of the reason I don’t go out as much anymore is because I got asked to play scary dog privilege more often than not and it just kind of doesn’t feel good knowing that you’re only there to be a repellent to men.

      -The humble perspective of the 5’10" but will still wear 5-in heals, 250 lb muscular woman who knows what way to twist a head to sever the vertebral artery. 🫠

      • Mango@lemmy.world
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        5 months ago

        Yeah that stuff is kinda why I won’t bother with girls unless they show interest first. Also besides the point, I’m celibate. I’m never gonna have kids and I don’t gamble. I’ll still flirt though.

  • Call me Lenny/Leni@lemm.ee
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    5 months ago

    Yes. Why can’t those of us with a vajayjay join you guys in the Freemasons? Are you talking about us in there, or what do you do in there?

    • Klnsfw 🏳️‍🌈@lemmynsfw.com
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      5 months ago

      To tell the truth, it’s a complex question, like “why are there no female Christian priests”. Christianity is a wide thing, with lots of subdivisions. So is freemasonry.

      Why no woman ? There are historical reasons: a founding text (Anderson’s Constitution) states that to be a Freemason, you have to be a free man. There are also old initiation rituals (a bit like a Masonic baptism) where the person is bare-chested. For traditionalists, this forever excludes women. This is particularly the case in the Anglo-Saxon world. Traditinnalists also often exclude atheists, LGBTQIA+ people, etc.

      But worldwide, there are also progressive lodges, mixed or even feminine (which accept male visitors, but do not initiate men). I live in Europe, and in my loge we are about 10 men and 20 women. Lots of us are social workers, teachers, nurses or public servants. Lots of us are atheists or agnostics. Some of us are gay, lesbian or bi.

      About what we do, one more time: it depends. The main idea is to have philosophical questionings, based on ritual and symbolism (A bit like a religious person who uses a holy text to nourish their philosophical reflections). All lodges also have charities, because the aim of Freemasonry is to improve oneself in the hope of making the world a better place.

      But some progressive lodges (like mine) go further and are places for reflection on society, in a place where everyone can share their point of view without being cut off (this is an absolute rule) and without judgment.

      In these lodges, all kinds of issues of social progress are discussed, including feminist issues. But also topics like the defense of democracy, the right to a dignified end of life, the impact of AI on the job market, ecology, the rise of the far right, and so on.

      In men’s lodges (I sometimes go as a visitor), even the progressive ones, there’s very little talk of women in my experience. Except at communal meals, where you can hear the same mysogynistic remarks as in any all-male group (ewww, imho)

      • Call me Lenny/Leni@lemm.ee
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        5 months ago

        If that’s the gist of it, why does it tend to be secretive? It doesn’t strike me as the kind of thing that would inspire people to be low-profile about.

        • Klnsfw 🏳️‍🌈@lemmynsfw.com
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          5 months ago

          There are many reasons for secrecy.

          Showing that you know how to keep a secret shows that you’re trustworthy.

          There are also certain rites of passage that are more striking if you don’t know what to expect (but it’s always benevolent).

          Also, as it’s a place where speech is totally free, it makes it easier to open up. For example, if we’re having a discussion about LGBTQIA+ rights, I can share my experiences as a bi person to enrich the discussion, and I don’t have to worry about being outed.

          Finally, in Europe, the memory of Nazi persecution is still vivid, and today’s far right hates us too. Secrecy, or at least discretion, is a protection.

          But I have to admit that it raises suspicions and feeds conspiracy theories. So secrecy has its downside

    • Barbarian@sh.itjust.works
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      5 months ago

      Freemasons also don’t let atheists in. Was a hard pass from me at that point. I’m not faking belief in some deist creator god just to join in their weird rituals and bridge clubs.

    • solrize@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      No idea about the Freemasons but we do talk about you on the alternate lemmy.world server port… oh wait I wasn’t supposed to mention that.

    • Snowclone@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      Everything I’ve read about the Freemasons has been clearly written by people who hate freemasons, I mean… I don’t keep going past the obvious tell, but I’ve been inside looking out on a my own strange outsider culture so, I just can’t take haters at face value. As far as I can tell. It’s a club.

  • Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world
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    5 months ago

    Why don’t some of you high five me when I get drunk? When I’m drunk enough, I highfive EVERYONE on the street! Never been high five rejected by a guy on the bar crawl, and some women are happy to high five…but some get defensive, and reserved, like they think my hand is poison!

    Y U NO HIGH FIVE???

    • IceBlade@lemmynsfw.com
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      5 months ago

      The only people that have ever high fived me are assholes that put all their strength into it. Then my hand burns in pain for the next 30 minutes. I don’t want more abuse from another drunk asshole .

      • Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world
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        5 months ago

        Are you male or female? Males, yeah, that’s how we high five. Females I go waaaaaay lighter on. Like a fist bump with your palm. The same way you’d high five a kid basically.

        • Null User Object@programming.dev
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          5 months ago

          Males, yeah, that’s how we high five.

          No, we don’t.

          Females I go waaaaaay lighter on. Like a fist bump with your palm.

          And the intended recipients are all psychic and can tell that your delivery will be different than every other drunk high-fiver they’ve previously encountered. Right?

        • Snowclone@lemmy.world
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          5 months ago

          Dude everyone hates your high fives. Everyone. Penis or no. You over aggressive high fivin’ fool. (I mean this mostly in jest, if it stings for 30min you’re a wuss)

    • TheBananaKing@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      I don’t want to interact with drunk people kthx.

      They’re unpredictable, potentially aggressive, and I just want to avoid the entire situation.

          • Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world
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            5 months ago

            You specifically said bar crawl, so better not walk downtown in the evenings, period.

            I mean…yes? I’m 6’0, 270lbs and even I don’t walk downtown at night. Forget the drunks. You’ll just get straight up shot, or stabbed. All for the $37 in your wallet. They don’t care.

            Better yet, women just stay home in, like, the kitchen or something.

            Also yes. But not just women. Everyone. The best time I can remember was covid when the shutdowns happened. If it weren’t for all the death, and riots, that would be a fondly remembered time. Mostly because you could walk down the street without breathing in cigerette smoke, or having crackheads chase you with lead pipes. It was great walking around without people everywhere.

            Then during the year I had to stay home for chemo, unable to work, financially it sucked. But it was peaceful staying home all day. That’s what every day should be!

            …but also every home should have a dishwasher. I loved my time healing. I hated washing dishes. But I still loved never leaving the house.

    • Kattiydid@slrpnk.net
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      5 months ago

      In my case it’s because often even the slightest bit of humor or attention or willingness to play along with the bit gets me way more unwanted attention than I bargained for. If I respond like a person wanting to have a little fun with another person and it gets me treated like a thing they can now win and possess, the genuine human interaction has been tainted by the implication that it wasn’t genuine, there was always a motive and, because I played along, I’m now not a person to be interacted with, I’m a thing to be owned. I’d rather just not do the thing if that’s one of the possible outcomes. And yeah, that’s why I tend to not go out anymore.

      • HenriVolney@sh.itjust.works
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        5 months ago

        I see you’ve met the guy who thinks that being horny and talking to a hot lady equals the lady being attracted to him… Sorry for your burden. I wish men were less like that

      • Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world
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        5 months ago

        You are taking a high five for WAAAAAAY more than what it is. I’m just high fiving people left and right, celebrating having a night out.

        Nobody is trying to “win” you, or own you, or get one over on you. By the time I’ve high fived you, I’ve already high fived you…and then I’m high fiving the next person. Without further context, I’m not sure what you mean by you getting more attention than you want, or how that happens. I’m high fiving about 8 people in about 3 seconds, and then running to the next group. Within about 10 seconds the interaction is over, so I’m highly confused by what you’re talking about.

        • WideEyedStupid@lemmy.world
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          5 months ago

          I think I know what the user means. Trust me (yeah sure random internet person), you have no idea how often the most innocuous stuff gets used as an opening, a justification to keep bothering someone. Some guy asks for the time? Suddenly he also wants to know your name and do you want to have a drink? Some guy asks where x building is? Oh well, have you lived here long? I’m new here, maybe we could get together? Or it’s “does this tram go to x station?” and then, fuck, you’re stuck in a moving tram without an easy escape and the guy keeps asking why he can’t have your phone number, even though you already said no and then you lied about having a boyfriend, but still he won’t give up. Playing along with someone, being nice, trying to help them with innocuous stuff, 8 out of 10 times it doesn’t end there at all.

          Before I get a bunch of downvotes: No, it’s not every guy. We know it’s not every guy. But most of us don’t want to sit through 6 creeps just on the off-chance of meeting a nice person. It’s just not worth it. And yes, it’s always guys who do this. I’ve never had a woman following me after giving her directions. I’ve never had a woman keep pushing me after I said no (and I’m sure they exist, crappy women exist, but usually I feel perfectly safe responding to women - so sue me, confirmation bias).

          Edit: Just to respond to your specific situation. I think I might have given you the high five if you’d been at it for a little bit and I’d seen you do it to everyone else and not acting like a creep. The fact that it’s a bar scene and a social environment makes it all a little easier, imo. Most of my examples, real experiences btw, always happen in non-social scenes, like when going to work, or while doing groceries, etc. So in your case, I probably would have. But just to point out: it wasn’t about you personally, basically a bunch of creeps ruined it for you.

        • Kattiydid@slrpnk.net
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          5 months ago

          I know it’s not all men, every woman knows it’s not all men. But I think the best analogy I ever heard for describing the way women need to treat men as a whole is the same way people should treat guns. In gun safety class they teach you to treat every gun like it is loaded until you are certain it’s not, and even then it is always better to act with caution. I heard stories of my great uncle who was cleaning his rifle and he “knew for a fact without a doubt that it was unloaded” and he blew a hole through his foot and the floor. I’d rather not blow a hole in my foot because someone said a gun was unloaded and I just trusted them without double-checking. I’d rather not interact with a man I don’t know so I can avoid getting harassed or hurt. The best advice for men, according to my guy friends that I have that I trust to treat women with respect and back them up in situations where they are uncomfortable, is: call other men on their shit. If a man is harassing a woman when she’s said no, if a man is following a woman, if they are “just talking” but she looks super uncomfortable and he is encroaching on her personal space, interfere. Walk up, ask if she is okay, ask if you can get an authority for her. If the guy then becomes irritated with you for getting in the way, don’t back down. Get between him and the woman and tell her she can get somewhere safe. If it’s in a parking garage tell her she can get to her car and drive away, If it’s at a bar tell her she can go to the bartenders or the bouncer and ask for help. If it’s a guy friend of yours and you see them behaving that way, call them out and tell them to stop. It’s uncomfortable, it could lose you a friendship, but if no one calls men on their behavior, if MEN don’t call other men on their behavior, the men who don’t think women are people and deserve respect will never stop behaving that way. Because if only women are telling them what they’re doing is wrong, they will never listen. Because they don’t consider women people. And when I say they don’t consider women people I don’t mean they think they’re animals, they just actually don’t believe women have autonomy, have minds of their own and the ability to say no and mean it and have that decision for themselves be respected. “No means yes” is a way for men to convince themselves that women aren’t capable of making decisions for themselves and that you need to take control of them FOR them because they are incapable of making their own decisions. If you would like women to stop being afraid of men then men need to tell each other that the behavior that causes women to be afraid of them is unacceptable.

          Just to be clear, this is not meant to be an admonition to you. You asked why we don’t high five, I gave you an answer. My answer didn’t seem to click for you as a valid thing that made sense so I’m trying to explain the reasoning behind it more thoroughly so you can actually understand where women are coming from. You might not be a bad person, but if we’re not sure we’re not going to interact with you because how can we possibly know?

          I know it doesn’t feel good to be treated like a loaded weapon when you are just trying to be a happy person. But before you respond in denial of my perspective, because it hurts you to have people be afraid of you when you didn’t do anything wrong, think of how it would feel to have a gun pointed in your face and for you to have no idea if it’s loaded or not. Can you blame women for shutting down or for shutting you down when confronted with that possiblity?

          What the other commenter said, about it being more likely for women to respond in kind if you’ve been doing it with all the other people and it’s a social setting, is true, but instead of being persistent if someone chooses not to high five you, instead smile and switch to a thumbs up and then just move on. The less of a problem you make of it when a woman decides not to interact with you the safer you will be to the women around you and the less likely you will be to be treated like a weapon.

          I hope this helps you understand my perspective a little better, I hope this gives you some understanding the next time you feel shut down for seemingly no reason, and, most especially, I hope this helps you see the behavior of other men from the viewpoint of women and that you decide to help keep women safe when they feel uncomfortable.

          Thanks for taking the time to ask, and thanks for taking the time to read my responses.

        • Skydancer@pawb.social
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          5 months ago

          But she has no way to know that, and a lifetime of evidence to suggest that your attitude isn’t the universal male perspective. Since she doesn’t know you personally, the risk outweighs whatever benefit she gets from the high five.

    • u/lukmly013 💾 (lemmy.sdf.org)@lemmy.sdf.org
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      5 months ago

      Never been high five rejected by a guy

      And you also never met me (I am a guy too).
      My response to unexpected fist bumps, high fives and handshakes is basically a silent “Huh?” before I figure out how to respond. Awkward 4 seconds. Oh, and I also likely forgot what I was thinking of and won’t have a peace of mind until I remember it to finish the thought, but that has nothing to do with actually doing a high-five or not.

    • Snowclone@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      I’m a no touching person, and no amount of drunk will stop me from being a no touching person.

  • j4k3@lemmy.world
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    5 months ago

    Ladies, I’m partially physically disabled, stuck laying down 80% of the time, and rarely ever leave a home. Still in my 30’s, but actually fit and don’t look half bad by most accounts. However, I’ll never get better physically. If there is someone out there for everyone, who is out there for me? Can you convince me to believe you, as I’m totally resigned to solitude.

    • moistclump@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      What have you tried? I think with therapy to come to peace and love yourself through it and then a really honest dating profile there’s lots of hope.

      • j4k3@lemmy.world
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        5 months ago

        Thoracic spinal damage is rare. That is the area along the rib cage. Essentially, I’m unable to go anywhere and be “normal.” I have tried to fake it at much cost to myself in the past, but I’m just not myself and come across as very awkward and unfocused. It is a mess as rather depressing to talk about the implications. I can’t blame people who do not understand the real world complications.

  • u/lukmly013 💾 (lemmy.sdf.org)@lemmy.sdf.org
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    5 months ago

    Sup, targeted at women.

    Like, how do you deal with menstruation when it’s expected soon.
    I mean, do you wear a tampon/pad/cup/whatever else there is in advance, just in case or…
    I guess it can’t be predicted to the minute.

    I guess it qualifies as a weird question.

    • Apytele@sh.itjust.works
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      5 months ago
      1. You can’t always expect it, especially if you have some kind of reproductive disorder like endometriosis, PCOS, etc. This results in massive simultaneous messes of both bloody clothing and wasted, un-bloodied period products, and is colloquially known as “hell.” It is often preventable (but also often caused) with/by hormonal birth control.

      2. If you spend some time really getting in touch with your bodily sensations and logging all of them in relation to your cycle, you can often start to notice things like mood swings, increased acne, bloating, headaches, cramping, and other common pre-menstrual symptoms. My whole vulva would ache. My whole inner lips, outer lips, taint, everything just felt like it was bruised, then next day, blood!

      3. You start by wearing your least favorite underwear. All women have a ranking of underwear from cutest / sexiest to period-est for this exact reason. This exactly what you keep the dingy ones around for. It usually starts small, also called “spotting.” So you’ll just go to pee, see a little smear or dot of blood, and start using products from there.

      4. Sometimes you can feel it just drop out feeling exactly like one of those vagina goo sharts. In fact, you’re usually hoping it’s a vagina goo shart because you can just wipe that out with toilet paper and move on with your day. It’s not gonna soak through and stain three layers of clothing like blood would. Enough of it left sitting on the fabric for long enough (like, weeks) would bleach the fabric but blood is a pain in the ass if it’s not a fabric you can just soak in H2O2.

      I’m also an RN with a fair amount of experience in sexual health if you have any more period or reproductive health questions! Only thing I’m not good at is obstetrics (pregnancy), but everything that happens before that I can explain in detail.

      • AnarchistArtificer@slrpnk.net
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        5 months ago

        “In fact, you’re usually hoping it’s a vagina goo shart because you can just wipe that out with toilet paper and move on with your day.”

        Oh man, this is relatable. Reading this transported me to past situations where I sat uncomfortable and anxious until I could get to a bathroom and check. Solidarity

    • eatthecake@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      Carry tampons at all times.

      When the monthly misery ends i block out the whole experience and the very existence of menstruation until next time, when i am shocked and angered that this is happening again, already!?! I’m looking forward to menopause.

    • AnarchistArtificer@slrpnk.net
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      5 months ago

      I’ve never used a cup before, but I know for certain, you can’t really do that with tampons, because it would be way too dry and eugh, even imagining that is making me shudder. Most women who use tampons know how unpleasant it feels to pull out a dry tampon; I have to be careful near the end of my period not to use a tampon with too high an absorbency if I want to avoid this. I may switch to pads near the end.

      Periods can come without warning though. Some people have a super low flow early on, so they might get more warning (if they go pee and there’s a lil blood when they wipe), but also sometimes it’s heaviest at the start, which is why many women have embarrassing stories of their period taking them off guard and bleeding through their clothing onto a chair or something. Someone might wear pads if they’re expecting their period - you can get lighter absorbency pads that might suit this better. Older women might wear pads like this at other times - my mum occasionally pees a little if she sneezes too hard, so she wears lightweight pads at other times of the month.

      It’s easier if you can predict when your period will be. I’ve never had a regular cycle, and I thought the whole “my period is 2 days late and I’m anxious that this might mean I’m pregnant” thing only happened in movies until a friend anxiously messaged me about it. Turns out some people do have that level of regularity - I might actually ask my super regular friend what she does when expecting her period, come to think of it. But yeah, for many people, it can’t even be predicted to the day, or even the week.

      Edit: reading other responses to your question made me think of amother point: even if you have irregular cycles, it can be possible to predict by various bodily signs. Something that I don’t hear talked about much is how vaginal discharge changes over the menstrual cycle. When I’m ovulating, there tends to be more discharge, and it’s slippery and clear, almost like egg whites in texture. At other times in my cycle, it might be more white coloured, or more creamy, or more sticky. I find it gross and fascinating in equal measure — sometimes I’ll just stick a finger up there to check if I’m unsure where I am in my cycle

    • Vanth@reddthat.com
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      5 months ago

      Mine generally starts within a 2 day window. Mine starts with spotting, and I have a half day from that point before the real flow necessitating pads or tampons starts. So I know before planning for my day or going on a trip whether I’ll need to pack for a likely period or not, and my usual trips to the restroom through the day is enough to monitor for spotting.

      I have pads and tampons stashed strategically, in my desk at work, in my car, in backpacks and gym bags and purses. I even keep a couple emergency “to share” kits for when another person is in need; a small bag with two pads, two tampons, some wipes, and a dose of ibuprofen in a blister pack.

      Dealing with a period the first few times was horrible. Just the newness, I found it a bit scary, figuring out the best ways to keep healthy and clean, the boy in middle school who pulled a tampon out of my bag, unwrapped it, and started making lewd jokes in front of half the class. But it’s mostly boring now, the only time I really wish I didn’t have it now is when I do things like backpacking and have to worry about hygiene without running water and appropriate disposal.

      Of course this all will vary wildly. I had a friend in high school whose periods started heavy, unpredictably, and with little warning. She played softball and if she was within a week of time for her period to start, she would wear a tampon and pad during her games just to be sure. She had previously had a bit of breakthrough during a weekend tournament and having to wear those shorts with a spot of blood for the rest of the weekend really embarrassed her.

    • Sparkles@fedia.io
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      5 months ago

      You can’t wear tampons very long so just a pad if it’s about that time or feels that way. Typically I know to do so when I’m turning into a honey badger emotionally.

      • Apytele@sh.itjust.works
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        5 months ago

        Fyi a silicone menstrual cup is non-porous, so it can be worn for up to 12 hours at a time (the staph bacteria that cause toxic shock can safely hide and reproduce in the cotton sponginess of a tampon, away from the acidity of normal vaginal fluid).

    • Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      I like how you had to clarify that your question is aimed at women, and then proceeds to ask a question about menstration.

      • Catoblepas@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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        5 months ago

        Some dudes menstruate, even rarely men who were assigned male at birth. ✌️ Although the latter usually find out by needing their uterus removed due to lacking a vagina and their body not being able to clear the menses otherwise.

  • squid_slime@lemm.ee
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    5 months ago

    I’m a guy.

    Question: on several intimate occasions with more than a few partners I have notice partners will cup my pecks…

    It makes me feel self-conscious and would like to know why some of you cup pecks? 🫠

      • Croquette@sh.itjust.works
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        5 months ago

        It took me a long time to appreciate the touch of my partner (years).

        Now she could cup my belly fat and I would appreciate it. And I crave her touch.

        And just like you said, in the heat of the moment, I grab whatever is there and try to make it feel good.

    • Vanth@reddthat.com
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      5 months ago

      Pecs were an erogenous zone for a guy I dated for a while. He had a really nice chest. He enjoyed it, I enjoyed it. I’ll feel up a guy’s pecs when the situation is appropriate, but move on if it doesn’t seem to do anything for them and certainly if they ask me to move on.

    • Etterra@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      Maybe they’re bi? Maybe they think guys like it too? I feel the same way about women who go after nipples. That does literally nothing for me.

      • Kattiydid@slrpnk.net
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        5 months ago

        To be fair, as a woman, my partner playing with my nipples does nothing for me either. They’re just about as sensitive as fondling my tummy would be, or my outer elbow. can you imagine someone playing with your belly pudge to feel particularly arousing? I just kinda figure it’s not for me. Since guys just love touching boobs so much, I just kinda let em play. They are fun to squish around I guess, like jello. I may very well be in the minority in this, it is just my personal experience. Actually, funnily enough, the inner elbow is more sensitive to me than my boobs are. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

        • WideEyedStupid@lemmy.world
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          5 months ago

          Maybe in a minority, but definitely not alone. I agree completely. Does absolutely nothing for me when someone touches my breasts, like at all. They may as well just been touching my back or my arm. Nothing erotic about it. But you know, it’s not like it’s particularly unpleasant either, so I guess, who cares? At least they like it. :p Well, as long as they’re not trying to actually pinch or bite my nipples because that’s very uncomfortable, and at certain points during my cycle it’s downright painful.

        • MindTraveller@lemmy.ca
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          5 months ago

          can you imagine someone playing with your belly pudge to feel particularly arousing?

          You say that as if that isn’t a common kink.

  • Apytele@sh.itjust.works
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    5 months ago

    Why do you sleep with your hand down the front of your pants? I’ve worked in multiple psych hospitals, for a while exclusively with men and a bunch sleep with their hand on their junk. I thought it was purely an institutional “thing” that they’d picked up to protect the family jewels but then I noticed other men I knew casually doing it, even just while relaxing while awake and one of our security even got fired for falling asleep out on the unit in a patient care area like that, so it must be comfy, but is that the only reason?

    • Dasus@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      I can not answer why, but I’ve been told I do it too.

      And wake up holding my junk a lot of the time.

      A lot of the times it’s definitely to reposition balls.

      So sometimes not because it’s comfortable per se (and it is), but because doing it avoids possible discomfort, I guess.

      Also, morning wood. What’s that about? What’s the benefit of getting an erection when we wake up? O.o

      • RandomStickman@kbin.run
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        5 months ago

        morning wood

        When we sleep our body releases hormones that encourages blood flow in our body. Better blood flow means boner.

        • Dasus@lemmy.world
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          5 months ago

          Yeah this is an answer I’ve heard, but it’s sort of generalised.

          I’d like a every detailed medical explanation on why it happens specifically when waking up.

          • voracitude@lemmy.world
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            5 months ago

            It’s the wrong answer. Also, it’s not just when you wake up - it’s at various times during the night. The real answer is the sacral nerve: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/men-get-morning-erections-5-answers-questions

            You’ll notice them in the morning most because a) you’re awake and b) you’ve had several hours for your bladder to fill, probably enough that you need to relieve it. This puts physical pressure on the sacral nerve, causing the erection. In turn, the erection closes the sphincter to the bladder more tightly because getting urine in the vagina during sex would change the pH and possibly kill sperm you have deposited/will deposit, which makes not tightening that sphincter an evolutionarily disadvantageous trait. This does make it something of a self-reinforcing cycle, though.

              • voracitude@lemmy.world
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                5 months ago

                Says you. It sure as shit does for me, especially when I’m trying to hold it, and it’s sometimes a bastard and a half to get myself “calmed” again so I can pee.

    • TheBananaKing@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      Yeah, it’s just secure and comfortable.

      Balls aren’t directly sexual, but holding onto them can be like rubbing your eyes, just kind of non-specifically pleasant.

    • Death_Equity@lemmy.world
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      5 months ago

      If you have a guy in your life that you are intimate with, try it out. Hang out on the couch cuddled up to him and give the boys a hand cuddle. You can also do him a favor and check for lumps while you are there.

    • tiredofsametab@kbin.run
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      5 months ago

      In the rare occasion I wear something to bed, I’ve never done this. If I’ve done it in my sleep, I don’t recall waking up that way or anyone ever commenting on it. My wife will sometimes sit with her hand in her pants on the sofa, kinda like Al Bundy.

    • Churbleyimyam@lemm.ee
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      5 months ago

      Using your belt/waistband is a comfortable and good way of stopping your arms dangling and flopping around while you relax/sleep.