i’m a 27 year old single mom with a 12 year old (yes i had him at 15) son who has severe ADHD. his father used to physically abuse me, and i left him a few years ago. i’ve been single ever since, and we’ve gotten super comfortable with each other just because of what we’ve been through the past few years (abusive ex, dangerous area & i had to work late nights at the club to pay the rent when he was a toddler). recently these past few weeks, my son has been knocking on my door at night because he can’t sleep and i feel bad so i’ll let him sleep with me for the night. he’ll cuddle with me a bit and we sleep pretty well, however i’ve read online that co-sleeping isn’t super healthy, and i definitely don’t want to negatively affect his development in any way. any advice would be appreciated :)
This is outside of the scope of what social media should be used to remedy through crowd sourced information.
You’re saying a therapist would give better advice than social media randos? What kind of crazy talk is that?
The kind you get from social media randos.
The kind that tips his hat and wishes best of luck to academics.
On the other hand OP should lawyer up and hit the gym
I think it’s okay as long as it is a temporary thing. I would definitely look into a quality therapist who can address any underlying issues.
I second this. I was this neurodivergent kid. Finding a therapist who can approach neurodivergence appropriately may mean that the solution isnt instant, but therapy is incredibly worth it for neurodivergent children.
First, I just want to highlight that when considering what is best for a kid, it’s better to consider tradeoffs rather than whether something is “healthy or unhealthy”. It’s possible that it’s unhealthy for your 12 year old to co-sleep with you, but it’s also possible that it’s unhealthy for them to suffer from a feeling of isolation. If so, it may be an appropriate trade-off.
Second, I agree with @[email protected]. The important thing is to try and address underlying causes, and also make this kind of comfort a short-term practice if possible.
Does your kid have any regular contact with a school counselor that they trust? I think the key question is why they’re doing this now. Is there anything recently that has caused additional stress that is hindering sleep? Could it be natural developmental processes impacting their sleep cycle? Would more physical activity in the afternoon help tire them out so they have an easier time falling asleep? Would a change in eating times or diet help? Would melatonin gummies help?
Also, I think this should be self-evident, but I find it worth saying: I think it’s healthy to have these conversations with the kid. Tell them you’re concerned that co-sleeping is not healthy, but want to make sure they’re comfortable. Ask them if they know why they’ve been having more trouble sleeping lately. Involve them in the process of trying to figure out how to approach this so they learn approaches to mindfully examine and manage their own health.
I don’t see it as a problem, even long term. I think children are allowed to seek comfort when they need it from their parents.
The only thing I would say is that because this isn’t normal behavior, and started recently, you should have a talk with them about why they are feeling the need to sleep with you now. It could be an underlying issue or it could be that they are experiencing stressors in life they aren’t able to cope with.
Either way, talking to them about it would be the best idea.
She’s talking about her twelve-year-old son, and that’s specified. What reason could you possibly have for using “they/them”?
I think you’re over-parsing their language. A lot of people just naturally use gender neutral language on social media by habit.
Also, advice is often given generally. Although we’re talking about a specific kid, the advice is directed towards any other parent reading the advice as well.
Which pronoun hurt you to make you so triggered?
I feel quite silly explaining this, because it seems like you probably don’t want a real answer, but “they” is used when referring to a general group of people. @[email protected] was answering in a way that could be applied to anyone, including OP’s son. Why be exclusive when you can be inclusive? Why try to turn a wholesome comment into a gender-war?
I feel quite silly explaining this, because it seems like you probably don’t want a real answer, but “they” is used when referring to a general group of people.
The singular use of “they/them” has existed since the 14th century, and is not simply "a general group of people’ by definition in modern English.
@[email protected] was answering in a way that could be applied to anyone, including OP’s son.
I find the advice to be universal, so what is the problem with it being applied to anyone?
Why be exclusive when you can be inclusive?
Why do you believe neutral language meant to include every one is exclusionary?
Why try to turn a wholesome comment into a gender-war?
The only people I see making this a “gender war” are you, the two month old account, and the 12 day old account who also responded after being triggered by neutral language. I am open to a good faith discussion about this, but you will need to demonstrate your good faith in the next reply if you want that.
Otherwise, take care.
I was responding to @[email protected]’s comment, and was trying to back you up (though it sounds like I failed). I agree with everything you said in your original comment, as well as the language you used to say it. The “wholesome comment” I was referring to was your comment.
The only thing I’ll take issue with is that I’ve been here for more than two years, I’m just on a new instance after lemm.ee’s shutdown.
If this were a suggestion about “kids” in general, I would agree with you about using the neutral plural pronoun. The thing is, here our friend is replying specifically to OP and offering opinions about what she should do with her son. In that case, I find it annoying and disingenuous to use “they” to talk about the kid, as not only do I find the use of a plural pronoun to refer to a single individual to be a poor linguistic choice, but it is especially so when the subject in question is specifically defined in regard to its gender.
I don’t understand why this opinion should be seen as a “gender war,” nor why the comment should be received with greater enthusiasm than its mild content implies
“Someone came by when you were out.”
“What did they want?”
The linguistic angle doesn’t support this. Real linguists disagree with you.
Also people used singular they before singular “you” existed, so I hope you’ll revert to using thee and thou and thy immediately.
She’s talking about her twelve-year-old son, and that’s specified. What reason could you possibly have for using “they/them”?
I generally try to default to neutral terms. There is no need to get this triggered over my choice to use neutral pronouns.
There are many ways to form valid English sentences.
It looks like this has been deleted, but uou just posted a question in a parenting community asking how to talk to your son about puberty. He’s twelve. He needs personal space and privacy, and he definitely needs to be sleeping in his own bed. Imagine how awful and confusing it would be for him to have a wet dream while in bed with you.
Please set a boundary here for his own good. And get to the bottom of why he can’t sleep.
Also I feel like you’ve posted about this before?
Yeah I had to go back through my comments to find it, but this account definitely posted this exact question, 25 days ago. The account is 26 days old. Looks like the other post was deleted. Not sure what’s going on here, but it sure throws flags.
They have. This account seems concerning to me either because they’re a real person asking these questions repeatedly and being given good advice then ignoring it and asking again later or it’s someone/something pretending to be in this situation for some unknown reason.
You are pushing limits with that age tbh
Gonna need a professional to wind it down prolly
Is this a repost? I remember reading this exact thing a few weeks ago.
Anyway, I think it’s a good idea to learn independence. Sleeping together isn’t the problem. Adults like to sleep with someone next to them, too. But it’s the dependence that can cause issues, IMO. Being confident in sleeping alone should be a sign that the child feels safe, so I’m thinking it’s a worthwhile endeavor to make sure the child feels safe and also work towards independent sleeping.
If you set a standard that you two can sleep in the same bed then the more time passes the more difficult it will be to stop the behavior.
So i guess decide what age you’re gonna make him stop, because they usually won’t on their own. 13? 16? 18? 21?
I feel, while it is comforting, that it may hinder a healthy relationship with you and may cause problems in his future relationships and in creating healthy sleep habits.
A child developmental psychologist may be a better person to ask than the internet. You could of course ask an AI for what the general consensus is and go forward as you see fit.
Understand that most people in the west will think it is weird and concerning at his age. In Asia it is common for children to share a parent’s bed through like age 10-12.
I do not believe that random internet strangers will be able to give you appropriate and constructive advice on this topic, no matter how well intentioned they might be. This requires a certified and trusted professional opinion. Knowing how volatile the internet can be, I strongly encourage you to seek help elsewhere if possible. At the very least, understand that we internet strangers are never who we claim to be, and 90% of us are bots anyways.
I’ve only heard of co-sleeping being a bad thing when it’s a baby who can’t move away and can easily overheat or be suffocated or crushed.
Not a child development expert, and I’d definitely recommend therapy since the kid’s been through a lot, but I don’t see anything wrong with this.
i just posted an nyt article touching on this lmao
https://kbin.melroy.org/m/[email protected]/t/1077080/Article-Sharing-a-Bed-With-Your-Kid-It-s-Totally-Normal
Follow your feelings and don’t believe random stuff you find on the Internet. You know best what’s good for you and your child.
Sorry, no, parents don’t intrinsically know what’s best for their child, and that’s perfectly OK. It’s OK to not know what to do, and it’s undeniably right to seek those answers from others who might.
Parents thinking they always know what’s best is why so many otherwise totally normal kids grow up to be totally fucked up adults.
This has a chance of being bad advice.
Are you an anti-vaxxer?
OP does not define themselves in such conformist labels.
