Every time I see that little red number in my inbox, my first thought is: Did I mess up? My brain jumps to the worst-case scenario—maybe I said something controversial, and now everyone’s correcting me and downvoting my stupid comments. Even though, most of the time, the messages are actually helpful and fun, that number still triggers some sort of insecurity and anxiety. The bigger it gets, the louder my worries grow.
Logically, I know I don’t screw up that often, and most feedback is neutral or even positive. But deep down, my insecure monkey brain panics at the thought of being wrong—or worse, publicly called out. Even when I’m right, the number still makes my stress levels spike up. What if people disagree with me? What if they don’t like what I wrote?
And yes, I see the irony in posting this. Writing about it is basically asking for it and feeding the very anxiety I’m trying to ignore. Maybe it’s my version of exposure therapy.
“Oh here we go. Why do I keep posting honest takes on things instead of getting a feel for the general vibe and blindly agreeing with the majority?”
I feel this comment acutely.
If I blindly agreed with everyone, I probably would be dead, having killed myself from the lack of moral obligation and common decency this species seems to be deficient in. I’m only sticking around because I feel like this is the end of the Anthropocene and I want to witness it. Is that honest enough for ya?
Try mentioning that you’re a Christian that despises the GOP.
All they hear is Christian and the comments begin.
More like a resigned sigh and wondering which comment pissed off the tankies this time.
At least one of those notifications will be calling you a liberal.
Its funny when you get called “fascist” by tankies, but also get called “communist” by the conservatives.
Then Reactionary by jai.lu
Yeah, but you don’t respect those pissed off commenters, so it’s easier to distance yourself from them. Maybe that’s my problem. I don’t usually try to be abrasive enough to cause such reactions, so I take each comment more seriously than I should.
Knowing how to be abrasive is a very useful social skill, I think.
I saw a YouTube video from this guy who just liked to yap and tell stories. He was friends with a trans man, though I don’t think he knew at the time. Probably figured it out at some point, but it never changed their relationship. They were just best buds.
Well anyway, this trans man passed away, and the youtuber went to his funeral. The guy’s deadname was all over the memorial display. They’d prettied him up to look more feminine. Even clothed his body in a dress, I think. People gave eulogies about her memory, her significance, her this, her that.
The youtuber (and this was all before he was even on youtube, by the way) finally had his turn to go up and give a eulogy. He went up and said a few words about his friend, and then absolutely laid into these people for their callousness; for barely understanding who this guy, the deceased, even was; for amending his history and mourning only the parts of him they could actually stomach. And then he left. Not much point in staying in the service after that.
Being able to do things like that, though, requires some emotional strength. It’s a skill you have to practice. That youtuber wasn’t the only one there who felt that way, but he was the only one to say anything.
Nah, I like seeing big numbers in the notification box. Monkey brain likes big numbers going up. And it feeds my validation, that my comment is important enough for people to respond to.
Yes, but what if they’re also infuriating enough. I have very mixed feelings about that number.
I get this a little bit too, like “oh god, did I just kick a hornet’s nest?” but at the end of the day it’s just people on a forum giving their takes while having a dump, if I say the wrong shit I’ll stand corrected and otherwise if it’s trolls, fuck em.
Yep. That’s like the rational side of my brain talking. The emotional monkey side just panics anyway even though there’s nothing to worry about.
You guys are seeing big numbers in your notification box?
Normally it’s like 0-2. On days when I write more actively, it gets a bit higher. If I happen to drop a comment in a popular thread at the right time, it can suddenly jump to 3-5, and that’s when I start to worry. Did I cross some line I wasn’t aware of, or maybe I was just at the right place at the right time. Who knows. 🤷 It’s probably ok, but my subconscious mind immediately jumps to conclusions, naturally expecting the worst.
Most I’ve ever had is 1-2. Guess I’m not that interesting.
I think you’re somewhat interesting.
I appreciate your kind words.
Nope!
Oh wow! So you never ever mark them read, or how did that happen?
I had a decent stretch where I was just making comments and expected them to get bad replies, or I didn’t really have the space to care about any replies I got, so I stopped checking obsessively and they built up. I’m in my 30s with a wife, a toddler, and a job that alternates between “oh god you need to lock the fuck in for 8 hours straight” and “you’re being paid to be here if something happens”. I also have had some big life shit happen in the time since I started using lemmy that would pull me away from checking/responding.
Then I had some replies mentioning things I wanted to look into later, so those I made sure to keep as unread.
More recently, I find that I use my own profile’s comment page and the upvotes and downvotes on any of my comments in there to get an idea of what I’m about to walk into. Also helps remind me what the fuck I posted in the first place. So any replies I interact with that way don’t get marked as read either.
Kind of like email, once it passes something like 20 or 30 unread the count just kind of becomes visual noise.
Can relate to being overwhelmed with the job and personal stuff
I just wanted to say, it seems at least you got your priorities straight.
Personally I just can’t stop caring about every little shit thing - even while being in survival mode
And yes, I’m completely burned out
Need to get my priorities straight as well
Sometimes I’ll be super active commenting and posting on lemmy and it actually grains traction and the next day I’m like “what have I done?!”
Yeah, that’s a familiar feeling. One evening, you find interesting things to write about, and the next morning you have a stack of replies from the other side of the world.
Hell no.
The reason I post here is to discuss things with people like things.
Hi, I just wanted to make your inbox go bling. You didn’t mess up and I hope you have a nice day.
Thanks. The number is already a bit overwhelming. Hopefully, I’ll get better at handling that feeling.
Depends on what instance or post I have commented on recently!
Was it .ml and there’s many notifications? sigh
Some meme I commented something I felt was witty? weeeeJust to mess with you, I’m tempted to write a dozen comments with no real content… but other than that: i think it’s quite normal. Floods of negative reactions are more likely than positive ones, and more feared. In the other hand, Lemmy is a pretty chill place and, even when I got negative reactions, they were still cordial.
All in all, we are social monkey, and we care a lot about our social capital. That used to be the difference between survival by and death in nature, and we are still rooted that way. Even if we are accruing social capital with anonymous internet users we will likely never meet in person
LOL. That sort of messing around is exactly what I would be tempted to do as well. I know that feeling a bit too well.
Also, totally agree with you on that social monkey thing. Must be like some sort of evolutionary adaptation that kept our ancestors in cohesive tribes. I guess lonely hunters would die of starvation or get eaten by wolves, so sticking together has some tangible value.
Yup. Usually don’t get much replies between checking, so if it’s more than 2, I worry. Probably doesn’t help that I have done the thing where I accidentally say something that a reasonable person would interpret quite differently than my intended message and reasonably got dogpiled because of it.
Finally someone who agrees with me and validates my fragile ego and childish vulnerabilities. Thanks. You made my day!
Usually, my inbox has like 1 or 2 replies, but anything bigger than that makes me think I must have screwed up somehow. For whaever reason, it just doesn’t cross my mind that all those comments could be neutral or even positive.
Well there’s another stressful element that even if they are mostly positive or asking for further information, it’s still a pile of “work I gotta do.”
But remember, you don’t actually have to respond to them. You can just click all the little check marks and move on. If you don’t like what they said, there’s always the down arrow. Or the up to acknowledge their support.
I don’t, for instance, expect any kind of reply from you.
If it helps, remember that a ton of downvotes will knock your comment right off most people’s feed. And unlike the R place, that number isn’t going to follow you around forever.
If you’re being misinterpreted, you can always add an edit, see if it helps.
In any case, Lemmy is a place for discussion. If you have responses, that means you contributed to the conversation. You didn’t mess up. Even if you were completely Wrong, it gives an opportunity for lots of other people to post the Correction.
Yeah, I try to think about the number in a more neutral/positive way, even though my initial emotional reaction could be less helpful. You’re absolutely right that those are also opportunities to learn.
That’s actually one of the best things about Lemmy, and even Reddit to some extent. Let’s say you think you know something about a specific topic (like maps, steam locomotives, pharmacology or whatever), because you read an article about it 5 years ago. You write a short comment based on what you think you know, and then someone with a PhD in underwater basket weaving corrects you, because you didn’t get half the details right. That should be taken as an opportunity, but it doesn’t always feel like that. Even when the comment is helpful and friendly, I still know I screwed up. It’s not a big deal, but my feelings aren’t rational about these things.
No. It means I made the imaginary internet points number that no one cares for go up.
132 updoots! I feel so validated for 90 seconds!
I would have to post something that people interact with… I’m not that kind of person. I usually get none to one reply to stuff I post, I think the highest mine has ever gone is three. I also couldn’t keep up with it.
It’s mostly about time and place. What the post actually contains matters far less. Post in a big community or at a time when most people are awake, and you’re guaranteed to get lots of upvotes and comments. Post in a niche community, and you’ll be lucky to get a handful of upvotes, and maybe even a single comment.
