I bet this sounds like a stupid question - especially coming from a man. However, NoStupidQuestions doesn’t allow NSFW topics, so here I am - bear with me.
I genuinely don’t know what this feels like from the inside. I see so many men go to extreme lengths to chase women - sometimes even risking their careers or relationships just to get laid. Some are literally willing to pay for it. I don’t get it. What does that pull actually feel like?
I’m not judging - I’m trying to understand. I only know what it looks like from the outside, but I have no idea what it’s like on the inside. I’ve had sex multiple times, and it’s fine, but it seems vastly overrated to me. Clearly, I’m not getting out of it what most other men are, so I’m trying to understand the baseline experience.
My motivation for asking is that I’m working on myself and hoping that, eventually, I’ll be able to feel even a fraction of that same pull. However, with things like lifting weights, I at least have a clear image in mind of what I’m working toward - but it’s harder to define that when it comes to subjective experiences.
You know when you’re talking to someone and they have maybe a crumb or flake on their face, and you can’t help but be drawn to watch it just in case it falls, but whether it does or doesn’t fall that wouldn’t impact you in any way? But it’s distracting anyway?
That’s all women’s chests. I’m not lecherous, I have a wife and female friends, I’m vigilant and keep it in check, but I’m compelled to check on them over and over. My wife’s, stranger’s, doesn’t matter. Even if I’ve seen my wife’s every day while she was changing for 11 years. What if they were to sway a certain way? What if there was a slight bounce and I missed it? What if the fabric became taut and revealed a line beneath. Or a shape. Perhaps a slight nub in the center? Was that there a second ago? Does that mean anything? I’d better check back to see if it changes again. The buttons on her blouse are slightly stretched, and if she moves just right I may be able to see a glimpse of skin. Not breast skin, goodness no, just any skin currently covered by the shirt. If I’m lucky it’ll have some shadow on it to imply shape. This dress has a dip in the front. I wonder if I could… It would never reveal anything. It wouldn’t. But what if it did. I can’t know unless I look. This shirt is slightly sheer in the light. What’s beneath?
The fabric stretched across her backside displays lines when she bends slightly forward. Now I know she’s wearing underwear. I mean, of course she is, everyone is… but now I know she is. And its shape. Her bum looks soft. Cushioned. If I were up against it I could really- No! No. But I could. And it would press against me. Stop it. And I could reach forward from behind, slide my hands up her sides and cup her- No! No Goddammit! They look like they’d be soft. In my hands.
The older woman in black’s shirt just slid slightly up above her waistline, revealing a sliver of skin. There was nothing unexpected or special about this skin. It wasn’t overtly attractive, but I saw it. It was covered and I saw it. Does she know I saw it? I’m glad I saw it.
The waitress in the tight shirt smiled at me. She’s younger than me, but not too young. Right? No. I mean, it’d be a little creepy, but not like… creepy creepy right? And maybe she’s into that? Probably not, it’s clearly all about tips. She’s a professional, she knows what she’s doing. Yeah she does… Besides, what could even happen. I’m getting dinner, with my wife, and she probably doesn’t even get off for hours. But… just statistically some younger women are into older guys right? And I’m not complete dogshit. It’s clearly about just being nice, it’s part of the service industry. Is it so unbelievable that any woman could find me attractive? Is that fucking impossible? No but- She smiled while looking into my eyes. That’s something right? No. It’s not, I was just passing the machine back to her after paying. Her lips look soft. Maybe no one’s ever kissed her well before. Like sure she’s probably had a lot of male interest, but they were probably all douchebags. They probably didn’t even care about her pleasure. I could. I mean I would. Like, if I weren’t here and she weren’t here and we met at a different time and place and things were casual, I think she’d be lucky for me to show her… What the fuck am I even…
When she turned to leave a thin line of her underwear flashed briefly above her yoga pants. Now I know they’re blue.
wow this is really good writing, answering such a complex question so thoroughly
When I say “I’m a pervert”, this is what I mean.
Well written this is exactly it, but it’s only half of it.
It’s even worse when I’m horny for someone specific and she’s not around. Too many days I’ve found myself unable to focus on anything, walking around in a living daydream where she is there. In front of me everywhere I look. Distracting me from whatever I’m trying to do. I can’t break out of it to be fully in the present
This is the answer I was trying to put into words.
This exactly describes my relationship with women, AND food.
I am in a happy, loving, faithful relationship.
Morbid obesity is killing me.
oh man the I need to look at the person and not stare there but also not avoid staring there. I always fail and pretty much end up moving from looking at the forehead and sorta above each shoulder. The really annoying thing is I know the woman can totally tell im trying to keep my gaze of them.
Ugh, same. Back when I was married both in spirit and law, there was a nice, well-endowed bartender at my local. I had no designs on anything at all, wanted to just have regular ol’ barfly-bartender platonic chatter. Here was my inner monologue:
Don’t stare at her boobs, don’t stare at her boobs, oh god I’m looking at her boobs, look UP you fucking creep she doesn’t need that shit; ok, maybe just identify all the liquor bottles behind her - THAT’S A FUCKING BOOB KNOCK IT OFF - k, Wisers, Captain Morgan’s, some coffee liqueur - wait, she said something. What did she say? Oh shit, she’s got the customer service scowl on and has covered herself. Congrats, Cracks, you are now officially one of the creepy guys, no better than the alkie dude who asks for hugs. God damn it - go play some pinball and go home.
Stupid lizard brain. Doesn’t happen all the time with every woman (thank fuck, that would be paralyzing), but awkward as fuck for everyone involved when it does.
Thing about tip jobs is that woman are much more likely to wear something low cut or whatnot. Work at least is almost the opposite were it was more a random choice made a particular day. Although that might make it worse like over time if the bartender is always wearing low cut things you might get used to it enough to ignore it. LOL. case in point dolly parton is on the telly atm and she is so recognizable I don’t feel I stare at her cleavage.
Wow, if there was any dount I was demi before you removed it
Glad I could help 😛
Naturally, normal qualifiers apply: everyone exists at some place on a spectrum, this does not describe all experiences, etc.
But given the numbers and vibe of comments, it seems like it resonates with some people who aren’t you 😉
Feels like a deep urge, short circuiting your brain to satisfy it. Like hunger or thirst. The longer I go without sexual attention, the more my brain starts to interpret everything as an opportunity for sex. When I satisfy it, it brings joy and release and calm. It’s fun, intimate and satisfy needs for closeness and touch.
It also feels deeply connected to a bunch of psychological stuff like the need for approval, gender affirmation, power dynamics, competitiveness and more.
Clouds shaped like butts become gradually more frequent
I would just say that the psychological stuff it connects to varies somewhat person to person. For example, competitiveness and power dynamics don’t connect for me.
For sure, the above was just my experience.
I’m a man with crippling depression and anxiety who has never had sex or been in a relationship. I jerk off sometimes three times a day (exception rather than the rule) to porn I fucking hate. When I try to watch something I actually like I can’t seem to get hard enough. My therapist I used to see says it’s not even me being horny it’s loneliness combined with touch starvation. So, I don’t know if I can even answer in a way that’s helpful now that I’m thinking of it. It seems what I thought of as being horny is a coping mechanism. Though I will say being horny is like being drunk, it can cloud your judgment. Testosterone is a hell of a drug. That’s all I can say with certainty.
For me, being horny is akin to having just eaten something salty and feeling thirsty. You will usually drink, but if you’re unable to, you’ll still be fine for a while.
When I’m horny, I want to have sex, but it’s not absolutely essential and I can do without.
Horniness is the thirst and it can be fully quenched by having sex with a woman and achieving orgasm. Like most sexually active men, I have a built-in procreative urge. This gives me a natural desire to impregnate a woman that I’m having sex with. Which is why condoms are important, you can trick your brain into feeling like you’ve achieved your natural purpose without actually doing it 😁
As someone with a low libido (and possibly on the ace spectrum), these replies have been interesting, and I gotta say, despite the problems it can cause, I’m kinda glad I’m this way. I know about having strong cravings for things, but having such cravings for other people sounds awful.
Yeah, I’ve felt my high libido or whatever to be somewhat of a curse sometimes. It’s sometimes very distracting and hard to stop thinking about. It’s also caused me to make a lot of poor decisions in my life. Thankfully, my libido has chilled out a bit as I’ve got older; used to be hard for no reason for about half the day when I was younger and had to masturbate before leaving my home for class/work just so I could focus better, lol.
Yeah, it drives a lot of people to violence, self harm, and suicide. Like look at how hateful incels are, because of how they are deprived of sexual and intimate craving.
I tend to agree. If only I could find a partner with equally low interest for sex. So far it has been the opposite which naturally causes issues.
One thing I’d be curious about for you, if you’d be open to it, would be looking for someone in the poly community. Obviously people in the poly community tend to be on the more sexual side of the spectrum, but not all such people are always exclusively about sex. Counter-intuitively you may be able to find someone in that community that can go your speed, not because they live at that speed naturally, but because you aren’t their only outlet for that stuff, so they may be fine with you being just a romantic partner. And there’s no reason you need to have multiple partners, so long as you’re okay with your partner having multiple partners.
The most obvious risk is if you’re romantically jealous, besides the more obvious sexually jealous. That may be a deal-breaker. And if you’re looking for someone to be with you at all times, that’s probably not going to work either.
But if you approach it was openness and a “what have I got to lose” attitude, you may be able to find some low-pressure companionship!
Quick note if you look into it: you may see the term “solo poly”. And you may think this either means a poly person currently only with a single partner, or maybe a poly person that is currently unpartnered. These would be good guesses but also wrong! Solo poly is a person who essentially has relationships with other people, but always secondary to their relationship with themselves. Effectively they’re not looking to move in together or “get too serious” or whatever, just dating, and they maintain a “solo lifestyle”. This doesn’t have to mean nothing is long term, it doesn’t have to mean it’s only casual hookups, but if you’re looking for a life partner or someone to wake up next to every morning or do taxes with, this isn’t their vibe.
Good luck!
I was in an open relationship with my ex, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not for me. I understand that polyamory isn’t the same thing, but honestly, I think that would be even worse. I can handle the idea of her having sex with other guys - but the thought of her having romantic feelings for them is something I just can’t bear. I’m done with that kind of setup.
Right now, I’m focusing on dealing with my porn (and weed) addiction to see if quitting those changes anything. I’m also open to the idea of dating another guy - something I haven’t tried yet. But if neither of those things works out, and I can’t find a partner who’s okay with very little or no sex, then I guess that’s just the end of dating for me.
Fully understandable… almost. I’ll admit I’m a little confused to hear there’s a porn addiction in the mix. Not in a judgement kinda way, porn can be fine for some people, but I don’t normally associate heavy porn usage with low-libido?
Again, neither is inherently wrong, I’m just surprised and wonder if maybe I misread the situation, you know?
Here’s what I responded to other user about this:
Porn and masturbation feel good. It’s the physical stimulation I’m addicted to - porn just amplifies it. You can even take it further with porn, drugs, and masturbation combined. It’s not about having an itch that I’m trying to get rid of; it’s about the sensation of scratching it that I crave. I start watching porn and masturbating first, and only then does the feeling of “horniness” follow. The idea of walking around with that itch - without having first triggered it through stimulation - is completely foreign to me. And honestly, I don’t need anyone else to scratch it for me - I’m better at it myself.
Here’s the full exhange incase you’re interested
The flipside of this coin, is that a lot of people want to feel desired. Having someone who active craves you, can satisfy that desire.
The recent thread (on .ml AskLemmy, maybe?) with transpeople who have experienced both kinds of horny was super illuminating for me.
Significant hunger is probably the closest thing to testosterone horny. It’s hard to ignore when you need to get some. Then again, it goes away once you (ahem) take care of it, so I don’t really get some of the most extreme things that end up happening.
Apparently estrogen horny is slow burning but doesn’t really go away, by comparison. OP in that thread said it’s actually more intense on estrogen, although in a different way, and now I understand the stupid relationship choices women make a little better.
Edit: Oh, I missed that you’re a man, OP. Obviously level of libido varies quite a bit.
Like slipping into a daydream during a long day after a night with little sleep.
I would say it’s like a strong appetite for food.
Imagine you just ate, you pass a street vendor and the food looks and smells delicious. You have the time, the money to stop and get some street food. Maybe it’s bad for your health, but it’s worth it in the moment.
I see so many men go to extreme lengths to chase women - sometimes even risking their careers or relationships just to get laid.
That’s dumb, it’s a strong desire and it can make you do dumb stuff like buying 2-3x the street food amount you can eat, but it’s not irresistible and the people who do dumb stuff just haven’t learned restraint.
Someone who cheats doesn’t cheat because they’re horny, they cheat because they never properly valued the relationship they’re in to begin with. Same for the career stuff, they probably got away with it so far, and they go too far like people go over the speed limit with their car. Whatever risk exists, they think it doesn’t apply to them or that situation.
eventually, I’ll be able to feel even a fraction of that same pull.
I don’t think it’s a thing you can train or learn, it’s too biological. And it’s not worth chasing that much. Staying with the food metaphor, some people love food so much, they travel, learn to cook, experiment, it’s a whole hobby. And others are fine with mostly eating the same food every day, use little spices and never learn even to cook good simple dishes like pasta with a decent sauce.
If it’s a problem in your relationship because your partner doesn’t feel valued that way, solve it the same way you answer what to eat: go along with what they want, surprise them with a visit to a restaurant you know they like etc… But also talk and explain to them that you will probably not change that way and they have to accept that.
it’s not irresistible and the people who do dumb stuff just haven’t learned restraint.
Just want to point out Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CBSD) is somewhat recognized depending on who you ask. The topic of sex addiction is a bit controversial and I believe usually gets lumped in with gambling addiction. This doesn’t really invalidate what you said, just tries to add some context around why people might be driven to self-destructive actions like that.
I’ve often seen sex addiction added to other addictions when discussing ADHD or other mental issues. Gambling, alcohol, drugs, and sex.
A deep and primal yearning that crashes over you in waves. A thorn in your psyche; always a subtle throbbing but impossible to ignore once anything diverts your attention to it. Constant intrusive thoughts, loneliness, frustration, panic, desperation, aggression.
Other people are saying its akin to hunger, but I’d say it’s more like thirst. There’s a stronger sense of urgency and a subtle feeling that’s always present and ready to bubble up to the surface at any moment to override everything else.
Y’know, maybe I’ve just never been that thirsty.
If only rubbing one’s belly could rid hunger like the rubbing of one’s genitalia removes lust…
It doesn’t really though, rubbing one is the equivalent of a really weak Pho; no matter how good it was in the moment you’ll be starving by dinner, like eat-your-napkin starving to death.
Wow, I am impressed by the accuracy and the sensibility of your description. I have little to add
Also why they call desperate people thirsty
I’ve experienced both sides, and there is definitely a different quality to the attraction and horny-ness. It’s hard to put my finger on or describe in a way that isn’t a cliche like “aggressive” and “raw”. It’s less romantic? It fills your mind a little, it’s impulsive, it doesn’t have the same yearning. At least for me.
For what it’s worth I prefer my attraction and sex now as a woman. Not to act as an internet doctor, but I definitely felt a bit like you when my testosterone was too low. All women have testosterone and having the wrong amount can affect sexual desire - it might be worth having yours checked.
I guess I know jackshit about how transgender experience intimacy because I wouldn’t have thought transitioning would affect feeling of desire at all. But now that I think of it, attraction is brain chemistry, and that is -of course- being affected by transition. Thanks for shedding some light on this
You are acknowledging this is NSFW but didn’t use the NSFW flag?
Idk, what does it feel like to not be horny?
I think I agree with your sentiment that sex is overrated. I quite enjoy it, but the way it is portrayed in media is usually more extreme than my own feelings and those of men around me.
I remember when I was around 16-18. I started to diet and exercise, was on the tail end of puberty in my physical prime and drenched in hormones. Went to high school and was surrounded by people my own age experiencing the same. Culture and marketing leads to high school girls constantly fighting with the adults and dress codes to wear skimpier, tighter clothing. I had my first girlfriend and we were both excited to start messing around. And there’s a philosophical component- why do we exist? We are a repeating pattern (DNA) that exists not for a reason, but because it can. Life that does not procreate dies, so in a sense procreation is the most life-y thing you can possibly do.
At the same time, I knew better. I was lucky to have sex education and not be in a very religious household. A couple of friends, and my first girlfriend, were victims of sexual assault. I had seen other men succumb to their desires, ruin their own lives, hurt people around them. Not to mention the very real threats of pregnancy and disease. So even while my physiology craved it and my philosophy guided me towards it, my mind pumped the brakes.
The physiology waned as I got older. Or perhaps just distracted with college and work, maintaining an apartment and then a house. My energy was directed elsewhere. My wife and I quickly settled on having sex roughly once a week.
About a year ago though, we created a polycule with another couple. It was really hard for me to keep up at first. I would have to watch my nutrition- make sure I don’t overwat or ear heavy and greasy foods beforehand. Make sure I was working out and physically active in general, but not a full workout right before or else my muscles would be too tired. Mentally, I would have to start purposefully thinking about sex for several hours beforehand to make sure I was in the right headspace and ready to perform. The past 3 months have been suddenly dry due to just calendar issues and some minor medical procedures in the group, so I’ve found myself in this routine of trying to be horny and keep up but suddenly without the payoff of it. I also have a touch of the 'tism and really like predictable routines and long-term planning while the other 3 people are bi-polar or severe ADHD, and they all seem to have little issue with going from cozy to horny almost instantly.
The actual feeling of horniness I think is similar to most other biological functions. Being hungry or thirsty or sleepy, needing to urinate or defecate. I view it similarly, ideally on a roughly 2-4 day cycle. Ejaculation, which leads to a period of post-nut clarity and calmness that slowly fades over a couple days. I’d find it difficult to get hard for a couple hours after, and difficult to cum again for at least 6, more like 24 hours after. By day 4 I noticed I start to get a little bit more irritable, a little bit more stressed out by little things. Longer than that and sexual thoughts start to interrupt my normal thoughts processes. Blue balls is real too. I know some men exaggerate the affect to manipulate women into sex, and some women have started to think blue balls isn’t real, but the reality is that it’s real minor inconvenience that I try to avoid.
The Wolf of Wall Street scene where they talk about masturbating multiple times a day is hyperbole, but not entirely inaccurate. I think there’s a lot of value to a quick, utilitarian jack off for some cheap stress relief and clarity. Having sex with others is fun, but people obsess over it too much in my opinion.
Ejaculation, which leads to a period of post-nut clarity and calmness that slowly fades over a couple days.
Yours lasts for days? I’m lucky if I can get a couple hours out of it.
The big noticeable effect lasts probably about an hour. But I’d say there’s probably a 10% residual clarity that sticks around and slowly goes away over a day or two.
Hmm. Can’t say I experience that. If anything the lack of clarity comes back even stronger after a short while because my dick is like “that was awesome let’s go again”.
I’m with the other dude, I get maybe 10 minutes of noticeable clarity and we’re ‘normal’ again within an hour or two.
Every time you try to focus on anything besides wanting to cum your brain redirects you to that desire.
It takes some mental control to stay focused when the horny flares up.
Even if you masterbate, it usually only subsides for a few hours before the intrusive thoughts start popping up again.
The intensity of the feeling died down a lot after puberty was done with me.
Imagine your pants getting smaller.
Instructions unclear, ate burgers for 10 years and gained 30kg.
