You need therapy to figure out why you’re placing the needs of other people ahead of your own.

Any advice is to hire a competent therapist. If you’re a man, I also advise joining a men’s group.

This kind of compulsion will fuck up your life if you don’t get it figured out.

non-intercourse sex things in bed with your best friend whom you’re keeping around for financial reasons: fuck you got some shit to figure out

This reads as ar anxious attachment and underdeveloped boundaries.

Your needs and wants are valid OP. You deserve autonomy in your own life.

Your friend, intentionally or not, seems to be manipulating you and taking advantage, and you seem to be enabling that.

You should discuss having a partner with them, and what that would look like. They should work with you to promote your needs and wants and fulfillment. That’s what friends do.

I can’t even imagine how my friend would take it.

OK, OK, time out. You haven’t tried talking with them about it? If you have as strong a mutual (platonic(ish?)) relationship with them as you say you do, then it should be able to survive a serious conversation about your shared future, especially if you emphasize that you want to try to keep them in your life in a major way like this.

That conversation will probably be hard, and I really can’t think of a solution that would feel perfect if I were in your shoes, but I would sure as hell rather have that conversation than the “I made a decision, and here is how you will be impacted” one, or the “I kept my life on hold because I was worried how you might react to talking about it” one.

I don’t know your personality or your friend’s personality, so I can’t promise that you will sort it all out without emotions running high, or what the ultimate outcome of such a conversation will be.

But jeez, bud, you’ve GOT to be able to have serious talks with people whom you trust and care about.

This is already a relationship. A non-sexual one, but still. Even a very strong one.

In a relationship, when the two are on such different levels (as indicated somewhat as “hard times”), then a crisis is unavoidable, sooner or later.

You want to do your own thing. That is very OK and normal. Just be prepared that the way out is going to hurt, for a while.

Honestly was in a somewhat similar situation with my best friend. They would be the one in your shoes except I’m the one with the house. We aren’t sharing a bed or having “not quite sex” but we are close enough and do enough “dating” activities togeather that most people think we’re dating and a few people still insist that what we’re doing is dating even when we both tell them that we aren’t. Your relationship is a bit closer so that will make things sting a bit more.

The answer is to just talk to them. If you are comfortable enough to sleep with eachother then you should be comfortable enough to have difficult conversations. I would personally just start out by bringing up that you want to start dating again and ,while you don’t want to kick them out, sharing a bed isn’t going to work when you want to bring someone home.

It’s going to sting for them; it did for me when my friend started dating again even when I knew us dating wasn’t going to happen. But, if they care about being your friend then, they’ll get over it; I did. Your relationship with them will change but not necissarily for the worse. Honestly I’m closer with my friend than ever. We’ve gone from being close best friends to practically being siblings. Hell, I’m closer with them than I ever was with any of my actual family. Yes we both date other people but that doesn’t mean we both don’t still share everything. Don’t try to put the relationship in a box. Be open and honest then just see how it grows/changes. At the same time, every relationship has boundries, don’t be afraid to set some.

You don’t

You have lived with diffuse boundaries for some time and are now reaping the penalties. You can and should proceed with care and grace as you implement boundaries and define roles to move to where you want to be but it is absolutely foolish to think that it will not be at least a little hurtful to your pseudo partner.

they will implement their boundaries in response to changes you are proposing; you have to respect these. If they chose to leave and tell you to fuck off then you have learned a valuable lesson in why you shouldn’t let boundaries be so diffuse for so long through so many changing contexts.

It’s not realistic (usually) to expect you to know everything you need and want from a relationship up front but when contexts change you need to clarify what is and is not okay. If you’re okay with keeping it casual after things don’t work out that’s fine but make sure they’re aware. If they suddenly have to move in consider the boundaries of the situation again: are they still cool with keeping it casual? Are they now that you share a bed? Are they now that you’ve purchased a bed together?

If you’re the one that wants it casual and wants the door open for new relationships it’s your responsibility to make sure your partner is aware of where you stand. One could say your friend/partner is foolish for assuming you’ve changed where you stand, and they’d have a valid point, but one could also say that you’ve been very misleading here. Boundaries need to be enforced and they need to be occasionally reviewed as contexts change, otherwise they fade away

Yeah that’s not going to end well. You’re basically in a relationship.

I’m usually on the “no, that girl who smiled at you because she’s a friendly person didn’t lead you on” side, but you bought a bed together and do sex stuff, even if you haven’t had actual sex…

That doesn’t mean you owe them forever, or even now, but you’re a big part of the reason for their emotions here.

Start by broaching the separate beds, IMO. Then give a little time before dating, if you want to minimize pain.

What in the world? You are in a relationship with them. You can’t live with, sleep in the same bed with, be best friends with, and do sexual stuff with someone and not be in a relationship! What do you think a relationship is?!

You say you don’t want a relationship with them but what on Earth would you change if you entered into a “relationship” with them? Just your perspective and a label from the sounds of it.

I feel as though you need to reassess where you’re actually at in this. Think about what a relationship means to you and why this person cannot fit that role for you.

And above all, you need to talk to them about this and ask if they think you’re in a relationship. Because you might need to “break up” with them regardless of how you feel about it