Broke the secret forth rule of tinder: don’t be boring. OOP (assuming OOP even exists, which I doubt) is asking information-sharing, interview-style questions. She’s putting the same amount of effort into her answers as OOP is putting into his questions.
At no point does she attempt anything like a ‘yes, and’ into her own questions.
She does not take the time to give a more elaborate, multi sentence response, that includes maybe some more context or details.
…
Could the dude be asking more interesting questions?
Yes.
Could she be giving more boring answers?
No, unless you just count blocking/ghosting as ‘answers’.
…
The dude is correctly sensing that she is extremely not interested in this, because she is diplaying no signs of interest, and the dude is stating this, by telling her that she is not engaged in the conversation…
And by using a bit of an analogy to do so, he is actually demonstrating some creativity, a bit of wit, though it is a bit pointed toward her.
1 - Could be the tail end, a most recent part of a longer chat log.
2 - Could be that it just was a kind of dickish, awkward way to start a convo…
but…
2.5 - If this is from something like Hinge, if I am not mistaken, the entire concept is… or… was?
… that women actually have to send the first message after matching, or at the very least, them clicking ‘accept’ on a guy, automatically opens the chat.
So it could be something like that, and this guy could be like… ok… she matched with me… the whole point is she is supposed to make the first move… and then he is sarcastically remarking ‘nice chat’ as a reference to her technically having started this convo, and … then just not said anything, for presumably some amount of time.
…
I really do not know at all, as is is often the case with screen caps like this, we are likely missing a lot of potentially very important context.
The length of a message doesn’t imply the amount of thought that went into it. These are extremely boring, ho-hum questions which required no thought or creativity. In a very balanced way, we can understand that no-effort initiations will result in no-effort responses.
Also, sorry to break it to you - but heteronormative dating creates gender roles. Women get propositioned, men do the propositioning. Women get lots of bad options handed to them and must filter, men must go out and create their options by creating engaging interactions. After you clear the looks barrier, there are two questions on a girl’s mind - “is he safe?” and “is he fun?” There isn’t a whole lot you can do to display safety (other than not throwing a temper tantrum) - but as a guy, when you are messaging, your whole job is to be fun. OOP is completely failing to hold up his end of the heteronormative dating bargin. OOP’s match is actually doing quite a bit of charity work by replying at all, in the hopes that he musters up the wherewithall to just say literally anything interesting.
The length of a message doesn’t imply the amount of thought that went into it.
Thats horseshit and you know it, come on.
These are extremely boring, ho-hum questions which required no thought or creativity.
Again, yes, they are basic, not very creative questions.
But they could be so much worse.
‘Hey’
‘Sup’
‘Whatcha up to?’
… at least the questions this guy is asking indicate he has actually read her profile.
In a very balanced way, we can understand that no-effort initiations will result in no-effort responses.
No, she is putting in even less effort.
…
As to your entire second paragraph:
Ah, yes, heteronormativity exists, therefore we should all just keep doing that.
Its the mans job to perform safe masculinity by being entertaining!
Be genuine?
No! Bad!
Be more flirty and fun than you normally are, that certainly won’t set any false expectations!
… Your prescribed approach here, from or for both sexes/cisgenders, is generally going to create failed chat logs with one or another person blocking or ghosting the other, in all cases other than ‘the man is a total pushover simp’, which uh, most heteronormative women find disgusting, in terms of their view toward such a person, they won’t respect him at all and will come to despise him or at the very least become very bored and unsatisfied.
So you promoting a strategy that will not work well at all for heteronormatives, and your reasoning underlying why this must be the paradigm is that heteronormativity exists and is mainstream.
This is a self defeating and contradicting total concept.
In the medium to long run, it doesn’t work for heteronormatives, or anyone else, as a widely normalized… norm of how dating app chats should work.
The only thing it even kind of works for is basically flings, short term relationships, and most of those will become confused and unstable ‘situationships’.
This is a terrible paradigm for anyone looking for a longer term partner.
If your defence is that these questions are better than literally the worst possible messages one can send, I got news for you - “not the worst” isn’t good enough, lol. Like, would you go to a restaurant that billed itself as “second worst in town?”
Ah, yes, heteronormativity exists, therefore we should all just keep doing that.
I mean, you can do whatever you want. If you want to try to end heteronormative gender roles, go right ahead. But if you wanna, yaknow, go on dates - accept that the world is the way it is and start doing what is necessary in order to get what you want. Ie, don’t be boring.
Be genuine?
No! Bad!
I said be interesting. Not don’t be genuine. You can be - get this - genuinely interesting.
Be more flirty and fun than you normally are, that certainly won’t set any false expectations!
Become a more fun and flirty person in general if this feels like you can’t live up to the image you need to present. Honestly, why would you not want to be a fun person who turns their partner on?
a strategy that will not work well
Works great for me, idk what to tell ya. I’m a nonmonogamous cis het guy dating multiple women, and about half my leads come from online.
The only thing it even kind of works for is basically flings, short term relationships, and most of those will become confused and unstable ‘situationships’.
People looking for ling term partners want to not be bored also. And the OOP is from tinder - the hookup app.
Ah yes, a guy who doesn’t have fun questions is “second worst.” We can assume murderers are “the worst,” so the list so far is:
Worst - Murderer
Second worst - Boring questioner
Third worst - Probably rapist I guess
Fourth worst - Domestic Violencer?
Fifth worst - Disney adult
Yadda yadda yadda
Second best - Pedro Pascal
Best - Me
If your defence is that these questions are better than literally the worst possible messages one can send, I got news for you - “not the worst” isn’t good enough, lol
You said:
She’s putting the same amount of effort into her answers as OOP is putting into his questions.
I said, no, she is putting in less effort.
You are changing the goalposts, or, you just simply do not have equivalent standards you judge men and women by.
Like, would you go to a restaurant that billed itself as “second worst in town?”
If the choice was between that and the actual worst restaurant in town… yes, duh?
I mean, you can do whatever you want. If you want to try to end heteronormative gender roles, go right ahead. But if you wanna, yaknow, go on dates - accept that the world is the way it is and start doing what is necessary in order to get what you want. Ie, don’t be boring.
More completely contradictory, self-defeating nonsense.
I mean, the way you phrased this literally juxtaposes ‘end heteronormativity’ and ‘go on dates’ as two opposing things that … hilariously, are a binary choice, you can only do one or the other.
You are clearly only interested in one of these things.
I said be interesting. Not don’t be genuine. You can be - get this - genuinely interesting.
And this is why other people are calling you entitled and gross.
Get this - most people are really not that genuienly interesting.
Many just think they are, when they’re not.
In fact, the ‘impress me’ attitude is very stereotypical of someone who is rather basic.
Become a more fun and flirty person in general if this feels like you can’t live up to the image you need to present. Honestly, why would you not want to be a fun person who turns their partner on.
… So for starters, this really is all just ‘man perform for woman’ in your eyes, ie, extremely old fashioned heteronormative.
Some women don’t like this, and prefer a more genuine, slow roll conversation, maybe they are shy or nervous and prefer to build up to things slowly, establish some basics first.
Some women get tired of people performing for them and just want to have a real, on the level human conversation about just really anything.
(Literally all the long term relationships I’ve had via meeting online or via a dating app or website began this way)
I could go on, but the second big problem with this is… you are just assuming all other women want what you seem to think they all want.
A lot of women do not want to be impressed in a performative way because they have enough experience to know that that is an act, its a gimmick, that will one day fade, and they are looking for something that will not fade.
You have an extremely superficial view of relationships, one that is built around appearances and performances instead of being two people who can be themselves around each other and mostly effortlessly just gel, vibe, click.
You use the language of a gender critical person, but you use it to promote extremely stereotypical male peacocking.
This ain’t gonna work for heteros seeking anything beyond a fling, and it ain’t gonna work for anyone who isn’t atttacted to hetero male peacocking.
Works great for me, idk what to tell ya. I’m a nonmonogamous cis het guy dating multiple women, and about half my leads come from online.
Great, I’m glad you’re a polyamorous dudebrochad in a bunch of simultaneous situationships, anyway, what I said was this is a terrible strategy for:
Heteronormative medium to long term relationship, ie, traditional monogamy, as well as anyone who isn’t interested in performative men.
People looking for ling term partners want to not be bored also.
Apparently you would be surprised.
Its quite common for people seeking any kind of long term relationship to value stability over excitement, mutual enjoyment and true compatibility that does not constantly require a large amount of performative effort.
And the OOP is from tinder - the hookup app.
I mean, ok?
I have already made clear with the specifics of what I have previously written that I am talking about dating norms and culture more generally than just short term hookups.
… Also, I’ve met and had multi year relationships from women (trans inclusive) I’ve met on tinder…so… yeah tinder is obviously more geared toward flings, but its definitely possible to use it to establish longer relationships than that.
As a het male, I did that when I was younger and indeed it worked, but as I got older I didn’t want to set such a precedent for a relationship. If a woman expects me to entertain her like a puppy then I filter her out (or she filters me, it doesn’t matter who gets the credit).
Nowadays I get playful only if the woman seems worthwhile. Hormones alone do not inspire me.
True compatibility is a rarity, however Tinder is just for fooling around AFAIK and for people who use sex to get to know someone (rather than vice versa). I might be wrong since I don’t use it.
Older fellers: can any of you relate? Do any older women feel the same?
Yeah, maybe this is just an old guy who’s been married for a while’s opinion, but I don’t think you need some mind blowing questions to get to know someone. You can start off with “what are you doing around here” and then look for connections to build up on
Yeah, these strike me as “opening” questions. You ask easy, inoffensive, open-ended questions to get some information to start building an actual conversation around. I’d generally read the terse, information-poor responses as a lack of interest in a conversation.
As someone who also never had to deal with apps, I believe they have to be creative just to stand out. For most of these people, this is all this generation has used, and being mundane and boring is just 1 of like 10 things guys have to pass just to possibly get a date these days. Honestly, I wouldn’t know what to do if I had to use an app because I couldn’t handle being rejected 100 times without ever even knowing why.
I’ve seen a few YouTube videos where guys tried an experiment. They had a girl they knew try using a fake setup profile where the guy even looks very good and see how many dates a woman can get using it over either a few weeks or a month. By the end, all the women had a way more sympathetic towards what men have to go through. The number of times just being ghosted mid conversation was staggering, and even they were confused as to why it happened so frequently.
Many people have a poor understanding of human communication and say things like “I don’t do small talk”. They don’t seem to understand that you use small talk (eg: what did you do this weekend?) to launch into more personal talk (eg: “I saw this doom metal band The Well play at so-and-so bar. So good! Do you like metal?”)
Sometimes people do like the grey text here and answer small talk questions in short, dead end, ways, and unless you’re trying to kill the conversation that’s probably self sabotage.
You don’t. Trying anyway and risking being a creep is what will make some women hate you and others love you. This is how assortative matching works. But if everything you say is inoffensive to everyone, then you will always be boring and will therefore never line up dates.
Like, this is Lemmy, so I’ll use this example. If you put the fact that you are a communist in your datinf profile, the vast majority of women will think that is super cringy edgelord shit, and you’re an idiot. (And I cannot overstate this - the vast, vast majority of women). But some women will think “omg, yesss!!! Finally a guy who gets it!!”.
Similarly, if you put “Looking for someone to tie up in the bedroom”, some women (fewer than the number who think communism is cringe, though) will call you a psycho rapist. But the rope bunnies out there will think “omg, yessss!!! Tie me up, daddy!!”
No, this is genuinely correct. I guess if all you care about is getting laid it might be a detriment
Being yourself is the only way anything will ever work out long term. A relationship started by pretending to be someone else isn’t sustainable. If being yourself doesn’t let you click with anyone at all, maybe go see a therapist and work on yourself.
I mean, my lol was tongue in cheek. Of course, you should be genuine. But if you are genuinely a boring person, you should put effort into becoming a more interesting person. Then you can be both genuine and interesting.
Broke the secret forth rule of tinder: don’t be boring. OOP (assuming OOP even exists, which I doubt) is asking information-sharing, interview-style questions. She’s putting the same amount of effort into her answers as OOP is putting into his questions.
No, no she is not.
She is giving mostly one word answers.
At no point does she attempt anything like a ‘yes, and’ into her own questions.
She does not take the time to give a more elaborate, multi sentence response, that includes maybe some more context or details.
…
Could the dude be asking more interesting questions?
Yes.
Could she be giving more boring answers?
No, unless you just count blocking/ghosting as ‘answers’.
…
The dude is correctly sensing that she is extremely not interested in this, because she is diplaying no signs of interest, and the dude is stating this, by telling her that she is not engaged in the conversation…
And by using a bit of an analogy to do so, he is actually demonstrating some creativity, a bit of wit, though it is a bit pointed toward her.
Or they’re at work…
‘hey sorry at work, will chat later!’
not that hard.
EDIT:
or, if you are too busy to respond… don’t respond at that momemt.
Stop sending texts are they said working. Not that hard.
… What?
That doesn’t even parse as an intelligible sentence.
Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
… maybe… ?
lol
Absolutely. Are all it’s like see isn’t not inviting or anything.
I agree but am confused by one thing: Why did he start off with “nice chat”?
I have two guesses, maybe kinda 3:
1 - Could be the tail end, a most recent part of a longer chat log.
2 - Could be that it just was a kind of dickish, awkward way to start a convo…
but…
2.5 - If this is from something like Hinge, if I am not mistaken, the entire concept is… or… was?
… that women actually have to send the first message after matching, or at the very least, them clicking ‘accept’ on a guy, automatically opens the chat.
So it could be something like that, and this guy could be like… ok… she matched with me… the whole point is she is supposed to make the first move… and then he is sarcastically remarking ‘nice chat’ as a reference to her technically having started this convo, and … then just not said anything, for presumably some amount of time.
…
I really do not know at all, as is is often the case with screen caps like this, we are likely missing a lot of potentially very important context.
The length of a message doesn’t imply the amount of thought that went into it. These are extremely boring, ho-hum questions which required no thought or creativity. In a very balanced way, we can understand that no-effort initiations will result in no-effort responses.
Also, sorry to break it to you - but heteronormative dating creates gender roles. Women get propositioned, men do the propositioning. Women get lots of bad options handed to them and must filter, men must go out and create their options by creating engaging interactions. After you clear the looks barrier, there are two questions on a girl’s mind - “is he safe?” and “is he fun?” There isn’t a whole lot you can do to display safety (other than not throwing a temper tantrum) - but as a guy, when you are messaging, your whole job is to be fun. OOP is completely failing to hold up his end of the heteronormative dating bargin. OOP’s match is actually doing quite a bit of charity work by replying at all, in the hopes that he musters up the wherewithall to just say literally anything interesting.
Thats horseshit and you know it, come on.
Again, yes, they are basic, not very creative questions.
But they could be so much worse.
‘Hey’
‘Sup’
‘Whatcha up to?’
… at least the questions this guy is asking indicate he has actually read her profile.
No, she is putting in even less effort.
…
As to your entire second paragraph:
Ah, yes, heteronormativity exists, therefore we should all just keep doing that.
Its the mans job to perform safe masculinity by being entertaining!
Be genuine?
No! Bad!
Be more flirty and fun than you normally are, that certainly won’t set any false expectations!
… Your prescribed approach here, from or for both sexes/cisgenders, is generally going to create failed chat logs with one or another person blocking or ghosting the other, in all cases other than ‘the man is a total pushover simp’, which uh, most heteronormative women find disgusting, in terms of their view toward such a person, they won’t respect him at all and will come to despise him or at the very least become very bored and unsatisfied.
So you promoting a strategy that will not work well at all for heteronormatives, and your reasoning underlying why this must be the paradigm is that heteronormativity exists and is mainstream.
This is a self defeating and contradicting total concept.
In the medium to long run, it doesn’t work for heteronormatives, or anyone else, as a widely normalized… norm of how dating app chats should work.
The only thing it even kind of works for is basically flings, short term relationships, and most of those will become confused and unstable ‘situationships’.
This is a terrible paradigm for anyone looking for a longer term partner.
If your defence is that these questions are better than literally the worst possible messages one can send, I got news for you - “not the worst” isn’t good enough, lol. Like, would you go to a restaurant that billed itself as “second worst in town?”
I mean, you can do whatever you want. If you want to try to end heteronormative gender roles, go right ahead. But if you wanna, yaknow, go on dates - accept that the world is the way it is and start doing what is necessary in order to get what you want. Ie, don’t be boring.
I said be interesting. Not don’t be genuine. You can be - get this - genuinely interesting.
Become a more fun and flirty person in general if this feels like you can’t live up to the image you need to present. Honestly, why would you not want to be a fun person who turns their partner on?
Works great for me, idk what to tell ya. I’m a nonmonogamous cis het guy dating multiple women, and about half my leads come from online.
People looking for ling term partners want to not be bored also. And the OOP is from tinder - the hookup app.
Ah yes, a guy who doesn’t have fun questions is “second worst.” We can assume murderers are “the worst,” so the list so far is:
Worst - Murderer Second worst - Boring questioner Third worst - Probably rapist I guess Fourth worst - Domestic Violencer? Fifth worst - Disney adult Yadda yadda yadda Second best - Pedro Pascal Best - MeAccurate
You said:
I said, no, she is putting in less effort.
You are changing the goalposts, or, you just simply do not have equivalent standards you judge men and women by.
If the choice was between that and the actual worst restaurant in town… yes, duh?
More completely contradictory, self-defeating nonsense.
I mean, the way you phrased this literally juxtaposes ‘end heteronormativity’ and ‘go on dates’ as two opposing things that … hilariously, are a binary choice, you can only do one or the other.
You are clearly only interested in one of these things.
And this is why other people are calling you entitled and gross.
Get this - most people are really not that genuienly interesting.
Many just think they are, when they’re not.
In fact, the ‘impress me’ attitude is very stereotypical of someone who is rather basic.
… So for starters, this really is all just ‘man perform for woman’ in your eyes, ie, extremely old fashioned heteronormative.
Some women don’t like this, and prefer a more genuine, slow roll conversation, maybe they are shy or nervous and prefer to build up to things slowly, establish some basics first.
Some women get tired of people performing for them and just want to have a real, on the level human conversation about just really anything.
(Literally all the long term relationships I’ve had via meeting online or via a dating app or website began this way)
I could go on, but the second big problem with this is… you are just assuming all other women want what you seem to think they all want.
A lot of women do not want to be impressed in a performative way because they have enough experience to know that that is an act, its a gimmick, that will one day fade, and they are looking for something that will not fade.
You have an extremely superficial view of relationships, one that is built around appearances and performances instead of being two people who can be themselves around each other and mostly effortlessly just gel, vibe, click.
You use the language of a gender critical person, but you use it to promote extremely stereotypical male peacocking.
This ain’t gonna work for heteros seeking anything beyond a fling, and it ain’t gonna work for anyone who isn’t atttacted to hetero male peacocking.
Great, I’m glad you’re a polyamorous dudebrochad in a bunch of simultaneous situationships, anyway, what I said was this is a terrible strategy for:
Heteronormative medium to long term relationship, ie, traditional monogamy, as well as anyone who isn’t interested in performative men.
Apparently you would be surprised.
Its quite common for people seeking any kind of long term relationship to value stability over excitement, mutual enjoyment and true compatibility that does not constantly require a large amount of performative effort.
I mean, ok?
I have already made clear with the specifics of what I have previously written that I am talking about dating norms and culture more generally than just short term hookups.
… Also, I’ve met and had multi year relationships from women (trans inclusive) I’ve met on tinder…so… yeah tinder is obviously more geared toward flings, but its definitely possible to use it to establish longer relationships than that.
As a het male, I did that when I was younger and indeed it worked, but as I got older I didn’t want to set such a precedent for a relationship. If a woman expects me to entertain her like a puppy then I filter her out (or she filters me, it doesn’t matter who gets the credit).
Nowadays I get playful only if the woman seems worthwhile. Hormones alone do not inspire me.
True compatibility is a rarity, however Tinder is just for fooling around AFAIK and for people who use sex to get to know someone (rather than vice versa). I might be wrong since I don’t use it.
Older fellers: can any of you relate? Do any older women feel the same?
This is gross and entitled.
Why?
Aren’t those types of questions how you get to know people? What are you saying is expected instead? I’ve been married since before tinder was a thing
Yeah, maybe this is just an old guy who’s been married for a while’s opinion, but I don’t think you need some mind blowing questions to get to know someone. You can start off with “what are you doing around here” and then look for connections to build up on
Yeah, these strike me as “opening” questions. You ask easy, inoffensive, open-ended questions to get some information to start building an actual conversation around. I’d generally read the terse, information-poor responses as a lack of interest in a conversation.
As someone who also never had to deal with apps, I believe they have to be creative just to stand out. For most of these people, this is all this generation has used, and being mundane and boring is just 1 of like 10 things guys have to pass just to possibly get a date these days. Honestly, I wouldn’t know what to do if I had to use an app because I couldn’t handle being rejected 100 times without ever even knowing why.
I’ve seen a few YouTube videos where guys tried an experiment. They had a girl they knew try using a fake setup profile where the guy even looks very good and see how many dates a woman can get using it over either a few weeks or a month. By the end, all the women had a way more sympathetic towards what men have to go through. The number of times just being ghosted mid conversation was staggering, and even they were confused as to why it happened so frequently.
Many people have a poor understanding of human communication and say things like “I don’t do small talk”. They don’t seem to understand that you use small talk (eg: what did you do this weekend?) to launch into more personal talk (eg: “I saw this doom metal band The Well play at so-and-so bar. So good! Do you like metal?”)
Sometimes people do like the grey text here and answer small talk questions in short, dead end, ways, and unless you’re trying to kill the conversation that’s probably self sabotage.
You’re on a dating app. You’re supposed to be fun and flirty.
How do you know what someone will find fun and flirty as opposed to creepy and desperate if you don’t know anything about them?
depends on how well you follow the first two rules
You don’t. Trying anyway and risking being a creep is what will make some women hate you and others love you. This is how assortative matching works. But if everything you say is inoffensive to everyone, then you will always be boring and will therefore never line up dates.
Like, this is Lemmy, so I’ll use this example. If you put the fact that you are a communist in your datinf profile, the vast majority of women will think that is super cringy edgelord shit, and you’re an idiot. (And I cannot overstate this - the vast, vast majority of women). But some women will think “omg, yesss!!! Finally a guy who gets it!!”.
Similarly, if you put “Looking for someone to tie up in the bedroom”, some women (fewer than the number who think communism is cringe, though) will call you a psycho rapist. But the rope bunnies out there will think “omg, yessss!!! Tie me up, daddy!!”
No you’re supposed to be yourself.
lol
No, this is genuinely correct. I guess if all you care about is getting laid it might be a detriment
Being yourself is the only way anything will ever work out long term. A relationship started by pretending to be someone else isn’t sustainable. If being yourself doesn’t let you click with anyone at all, maybe go see a therapist and work on yourself.
I mean, my lol was tongue in cheek. Of course, you should be genuine. But if you are genuinely a boring person, you should put effort into becoming a more interesting person. Then you can be both genuine and interesting.
it’s bad to be boring, but revenge-boring is okay lol
I mean, you can do whatever you want. This isn’t a moral inquisition. But if you want girls to actually go on dates with you…
the boring ones? I’m good. I am with someone who wasn’t boring like that. glad I moved on from the ones who were.