First, don’t tell me that the answer is just to “not bottle things up”, because that’s objectively incorrect too. Society doesn’t want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I’m alone. I know it can be done because it is done in many other people on the planet.
Edit: Ok so I think one of the things I want to try doing next is ask for a med change from my psych provider.
don’t tell me that the answer is just to “not bottle things up”
I hate to be that guy, and believe me I was in that boat once. But the solution is to not reach the point where you are exploding from the amount bottled up.
Humans are not meant to be stoic creatures. People have feelings, that’s called being human. You need to find someone you can trust(NOT A COWORKER), and every once and awhile vent to them about things that you aren’t able to resolve with the person that’s causing the frustration. That’s your best solution.
Reading your replies, this seems to be more a super toxic work environment issue which I think if you fix, will resolve most of your issues. Due to this, I recommend ON-TOP of the previous recommendation, also either contacting HR about it, or if you do not feel comfortable with doing that, finding another job. You should not be being bullied by anyone let alone a manager. There are so many work policies in place in most work environments protecting you against this, and not to mention most civilized countries have laws against it.
Being said, if you feel that it is less of a you bottle things up, and more of a you aren’t thick skinned enough to be able to handle the every day work-life without having anger issues and exploding, you may also want to look into some form of Anger management or calming technique. But honestly, it sounds like it’s a combination of the first two issues and less of an anger issue.
First, don’t tell me that the answer is just to “not bottle things up”, because that’s objectively incorrect too.
Well, no, it’s not objectively incorrect. I get the sense that the main problem you have is communicating negative emotions without being overly confrontational or acerbic about it. My experience is that it’s very possible to tell someone you’re unhappy about something without making a major deal out of it.
Also, I’m curious about how often you find yourself in the situation we’re taking about. Everybody had occasions where they have to vent frustrating, but if that’s a super frequency occurrence, there might be something else going on. Sometimes it should be enough to take a deep breath, recognize that the issue is minor, and let it go.
It is not super common, but it’s common enough that my friend takes notice. The issue is that I occasionally explode at work which is not good for my job security. Generally if someone is being mean to me or my fellow coworkers I get upset. My supervisor is also a huge bitch who is rude and mean to everyone and I have a hard time dealing with her at times. Most of the times I am able to shut up, but sometimes I get upset with people like that and I react inappropriately.
I have a pretty stressful job. I’ve been doing it for almost twenty years. I have not “exploded at work” once. Not ever.
This isn’t an “expressing emotions isn’t okay” problem, man.
Have you never had anyone bully you or others at work? I’m glad to hear it, man, but we aren’t all that lucky. My coworkers handle it better than me, but I’m also picked on a bit more than them.
This is the first time the bully at work also happens to be my supervisor. I have been able to handle workplace bullies in the past by interacting with them minimally, but I can’t do that when it involves my supervisor.
The worst thing you can do when people are working hard to get a reaction out of you is to give them one. That doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat, but as others have said, there are more constructive ways to react to these kinds of workplace issues. By lashing out you’re only hurting your own credibility in this situation.
You keep repeating the same defenses of the behavior you say you’re trying to stop, though, so I am not quite convinced you want to change these things. It seems more like you want to change how people react to your behavior. If I am wrong, then I apologize and sincerely suggest dialectical behavioral therapy. It teaches you how to manage intense emotions in the moment.
Yeah my one coworker has tried to teach me to just agree to and comply with whatever my bully is saying. I am actually able to do this for a period of time! But after a while, I tend to fail and have a reaction. It especially happens if I am provoked repeatedly in relatively quick succession.
I guess one of my frustrations is that my entire life, I have been taught that I am not supposed to react to people who bully me or otherwise act inappropriately to me or others. I am just supposed to let them do it and try not to show any emotion or reaction in response. I can act passively to try to protect myself, but actively is not correct.
The frustrating thing about it is it just enables bullies to continue bullying while I struggle to maintain composure from repeated incidents.
I guess it’s like…
Not reacting to bullies doesn’t make them go away or fix the problem. Contrary to popular belief, some people don’t stop taking advantage of others just because you aren’t visibly reacting.
But reacting to bullies makes me look like a crazy person.
So what then?
Have you considered going to HR about this? I’ve never confronted a bully directly at work. You need to be indirect, not direct. Not every problem can be solved head on.
People have threatened to stab me at work.
I’d bet $10 your boss isn’t doing a damn thing besides holding you responsible for not being able to handle your own shit.
I have not threatened to stab anyone. I don’t think that just because my boss doesn’t threaten me with physical violence that it can’t be psychologically damaging. With all due respect, that is a very inappropriate response and comparison.
My supervisor nitpicks me and lectures me for every single little thing that I do. Often I am not even actually making mistakes, but just exercise judgement that is different from hers. The kicker is that she wants me to exercise my own judgement about work tasks, refusing to make specific policies on what she wants. But then she chastizes me for not telepathically knowing that she wanted things another way. She talks down to me and comments on my unconscious physical mannerisms. She is a bully and I am not her first victim.
She absolutely is not “holding me responsible for my own shit”. She is known for being incredibly difficult to deal with and has had many complaints filed against her to HR. She causes a lot of conflict among a lot of different people. HR just doesn’t particularly care and everyone expects me to shut up.
If this happens at work then yeah, definitely a personal trait that you need to work on.
As someone who shares the same trait and has learned to manage it with time, I recommend you look into anger management. Plenty of free stuff online to start with but a professional can be a huge help, if you can afford it or if your workplace is willing to assist you with getting to a resource.
For me the key is being self aware enough that before I blow up I recognize where I’m headed and DISENGAGING until I can settle down. Blowing up, for me, is an ego driven/lashing out issue. It’s complicated and I don’t feel like explaining, but that’s me. I can tell when it’s happening and I care more about not being unprofessional or damaging interpersonal relationships so I DISENGAGE before I get there, which does not FEEL as good, but it’s necessary.
I can’t tell you exactly what you need to do, but I would bet a lot of money that you can start to identify when you’re headed in that direction and stop the train before you go off the tracks. To do so you need to be willing to put your ego aside whether you think you’re right or wrong and LEAVE the room or end the conversation. To do so is not easy because you want to release whatever you’re thinking about the current real/perceived grievance, but if you’re not being a functional member of society because you blow up in a rage then you have to modify your own behavior somehow. Disengaging is the simplest and most effective way to manage it.
With time and more self reflection, personal work, therapy, maturity, whatever - you’ll need to disengage less and less and can manage/cope without that tool. But for now that should be your goal until you learn to control yourself.
This isn’t an other people problem, it’s a you problem. It’s not that you’re not allowed to express yourself, but there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to do so in polite society, between friends and loved ones, and in a workplace. If you can’t admit that then start there.
Get on board or lose friends, break up, and get fired.
This reminds me of something a European told me about dating in the US. “Americans say nothing is wrong and then blow up when it’s a level 11 problem and i had no idea anything was wrong. Where I’m from we address it when it’s a level 2 problem.”
Be a level 2 problem, not a level 11 problem. That means you gotta fucking talk.
Journal. Let your feelings out, incrementally, in a place that you don’t feel vulnerable for doing so.
Today co-worker did X, they’re a cunt. It annoys me because Y. Seriously, Co-worker is a dick. At the time I wish I had done Z, but Z is illegal. Nexr time I’ll try [reasonable action]
There’s a journaling format that I really rate call “jackal journalling”, invented by Kate Raffin, and based on NVC. It’s basically what you say - brain dump of abusive/judgemental thoughts, but with an added layer of going back and analysing the feelings associated with each thought, and trying to identify the unmet needs they express. It can be really helpful for turning a head full of anger/despair/whatever bad thoughts into a useful assessment, and it can help give direction as to what to do next too.
Take a lesson from welding class: You release what you’ve got bottled up just right with a little spark and you get an intense yet precise flame. It’s amazing what you can get done with skillful application of said flame.
So you harbor resentment.
Clear the air, don’t take things personally, realize other people’s emotions are out of your control and move on with life.
Easier said than done, though.
- Set and enforce boundaries with everybody in general and specifically for people you feel overstep. Basically either faux-pas or actively try to fuck with or trespass you in any way
- Grey rock people who you believe are antagonising you
Society doesn’t want you to have any negative emotions. I need to know how to not express negative emotions at all whatsoever unless I’m alone.
What about your friends or family? Particularly in some countries, it’s true that public displays of unhappiness are taboo. Less-than-totally-public displays are kind of a huge part of people’s social lives everywhere.
Friends and family will either listen to a point before saying they can’t handle it, or some of them I wouldn’t bring these problems to in the first place. When I do talk, I get tired of my response being the thing they focus on instead of the source causing my frustration. I’ve attempted therapy for years with varying success; after some bad experiences I can’t trust therapists anymore. All anyone cares about is if my emotions are impacting them in a negative way, nobody actually gives a shit about how I am doing as long as they aren’t directly inconvenienced.
There’s a lot of really good advice here, I’ll just pitch in one thing I’ve been working on myself lately: mindfulness. Awareness of yourself, your surroundings, and how you feel (both emotionally and physically).
I’ve struggled a lot with the same problem of bottling emotions up, but I often do it because I don’t even register all of the little emotional paper cuts that feed into it. It’s helped me to make it a habit of stopping and assessing myself and asking “hows does this make me feel and why?”
Start doing that for even the little things and you’ll find it gets progressively easier to stop and assess even the bigger things. Won’t always make you feel better, but oftentimes all we need to avoid blowing up is that second of “stop and think” to make us cool off just a bit.
You are not your thoughts, nor are you your emotions. You are the observer of those things. Somebody presses your buttons, but it is your choice whether or not those buttons fire. For example if a child said some hurtful things to you, would it have the same impact as an adult? I should hope not. What is stopping you from viewing somebody as a child, especially if they are acting like one?
In addition to cardio, try breathing and cold water. Always breathe through your nose, even when running. Try to breathe through your nose as a cold shower takes your breath away. Or go for the full ice bath. An ice bath tells your body (the producer of anger emotions and chemicals), “hey, I’m in control here, you are not good at assessing threats”. The mind follows the breath, or the breath follows the mind.
But if I’m being honest I’ve always had a hot temper, and what is really helping me is Lithium. It allows me to observe anger without being overwhelmed by it.
Got to therapy. Seriously
Don’t take advice from neutrotypicals.
- You need to voice your concerns when they actually come up. The idea that showing emotions is objectively bad is completely false.
- You need to learn how to phrase negative comments with a neutral tone. You should not be describing anyone as mean, rude, bitch. Especially not your coworkers. Do you mean straightforward? Concerned? Talkative? Direct? Extroverted? Confident?
No, my supervisor is actually literally mean. She is mean to everyone and it causes a lot of struggles with everyone. I just have a harder time handling a bully than other people, and she bullies me more often than the rest of my coworkers.
How much of the situation is within your control?
Perhaps you can’t change the supervisor. You can still leave.
Or perhaps you can change the supervisor (e.g. talk to someone else in the org and get help).
Or perhaps the way you’re reacting is part of the problem, and that is amplifying the problem, and perhaps you can change something about how you’re acting, to reduce the problem.
There are always multiple ways to change a situation, but you have to actively seek them out yourself. People on the internet might give you useful ideas (there are lots in this thread), but they don’t have the full context, so they can’t give you off-the-shelf answers.
At the moment I have lodged a complaint within the company and asked for a request that I think would help me out. So that is an ongoing process right now. But I am not hopeful because there have been complaints lodged about my supervisor in the past without any helpful resolution.
Yes, I can leave the position. But I work a small field and everything else about the position is amazing and hard to come by. But my sanity is constantly being pushed over the edge by that person.
That sounds fucked, dude. Best of luck with your complaint.
TBH now that you say this, it sounds like might be in a similar situation to me at my last job, which I persevered with for 3 years of riding burn-out (because the work was almost ideal for me, and the people were mostly amazing), and then quit.
There’s already lots of other good suggestions here, but one point that might be worth noting: I think there are two different purposes types of therapy: psychological help (e.g. understanding your own brain, and figuring out ways to change it), and counselling (listening to your problems, and probably offering some professional guidance).
It sounds to me that given the circumstances you describe above, counselling is probably more immediately valuable - what you really need to do is to get some clear external perspective on your situation, from someone with whom you can share details privately. A good counsellor should be able to help you find multiple paths out of your predicament (you might also benefit from seeing multiple different counsellors, since they will all provide different perspectives). In my experience this really helps to ground your understanding, and helps answer the “Is it me, or them, or something else that’s the problem?” question.
IF that process provides more indication that your angry outburst are because of what’s going on in your head, and not just a fairly justified response to a shit situation, THEN maybe it’s a good indication that you should look in to psychology or anger management approaches, or similar. If your angry outburst have existed prior to this work situation, then perhaps you could skip the counselling step, but it still might be worth it.
At my last job I was having angry reactive outbursts (which I had had in the past, but to a much lesser degree, and they were now spilling over onto family and friends), and getting anxiety (which had never happened before). I saw a few psychs and counsellors, and the last one I saw while at work said something like “If you anxiety is about a real work problem, and not an imagined/exaggerated/catastrophised problem, then it’s not anxiety, it’s stress”. That really tripped a switch in my mind, and made the decision to quit super clear. Immediately after handing in my resignation my anxiety levels dropped off a cliff, and my anger slowly dropped back to tolerable levels over the following months.
Thank you for your lengthy message. Many others on here are quick to shun and judge me.
I actually didn’t realize that there was a difference between counselling and therapy. I’m sure I could use both, but that is a good thing to be made aware of. I have both stress and anxiety haha!
The vast majority of my outbursts are with my supervisor. I do on occasion have it with someone else if I feel they are treating others inappropriately.
From the internet, a lot of people ask me why I don’t just quit. In some scenarios it’s not really that simple and really not what I want to do. I don’t entirely feel comfortable as to stating all the reasons why, but you just have to trust me on this.
For sure. Quitting is not an option for many… Job security is hard to come by in a lot of places. I don’t think you need to state reasons for it not doing it, it’s enough to know you’ve considered it and it doesn’t seem viable to you.
I think it’s more of finding ways to express negative emotions in a healthier/safer way, and not necessarily just suppressing it.
I would suggest that you try to process those swallowed emotions at a later time. Ask yourself why these things bother you, can you let them go, do you need an outlet to relieve them. Maybe you can relieve that pressure before you blow.
I do not have any helpful outlets. The things that people say are outlets don’t work for me.
Running? I do it. Doesn’t help. I ruminate during a run.
Venting to a friend? Doesn’t help. I feel guilty for bothering them, they get frustrated with me for bothering them, and it’s wrong to do that to people who have busy lives and their own problems.
Venting to ChatGPT? Occasionally will help a little bit, but usually does not help. It’s not a real person and does not understand me, but prevents me from harming others by venting to them. Also helps me ruminate on my problems.
Writing down my thoughts? Doesn’t help. It makes me ruminate.
Helpful outlets don’t just fall in your lap, though. You have to do the work of trying things and see what sticks. You can start with small, achievable distractions if that makes it easier, too. For me, it’s taking a super hot shower and singing along loudly with music blaring. It’s just a short amount of time, but it stops my brain from going down a bad road sometimes when I can tell I’m about to have a rough time.
You are not a passenger in your own life, and you are going to have to start actively making changes if you want things to improve for you. It’s not going to just randomly happen to you.
