Hello, I am 20F and have been texting this guy (21) I met for about 2 years now. We actually live close to each other. It’s about 30 to 40 minutes but throughout the time when we will plan a date, either he or I would cancel for me, it was due to insecurities (We’ll get into that later). He has expressed to me many times that he’s likes me and gives me compliments but I am not gonna lie and say that I am not a cause as to why me and him aren’t together. I used to do s*x work on the side because of my financial state. He was coming on pretty strong on wanting to date but I didn’t want to hurt him in the end or lie to him if we did start dating. So I told him. The reaction wasn’t great, we didn’t talk for a while after that.
{He has told me the type of women he likes, woman that loves god, wants kids and marriage, goes to the gym all that good stuff. Me on the other is an atheist, don’t want neither and I’m 117lbs, so I don’t see how he’s attracted, I just think of it as settling. He was adopted into a good family with money and I’m poor, literally nothing to my name. It just doesn’t make sense.}
After I told him, we were just texting on and off for a while. And then we were doing good as friends until we got into this debate (we think differently on most things so it’s something we do a lot) this particular time, he started to talk about the type of woman that he’s looking for (again) and I responded by saying that I’m not looking for a man or marriage or kids. I just want to be able to experience my life now when I’m young. He got into a whole rant, I stood on what I said then got blocked lol.
2 days later I got a text from him, he was checking up on me. I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too. I asked him why he blocked me he said (in his words) “I think i just liked u and i didn’t wanna get hurt. So I kinda said fuck it, imma just save myself the trouble.” He apologized and we were good, yesterday he was venting about how lonely he is and how hard it is to find the girl that he wants. I tried to give him suggestions, knocked it all down. In his rant he even included me in it saying I was joking with him (I didn’t realize that he said that until way later in our conversation) so I wasn’t able to go deep into what he meant, but I wasn’t joking with him. After his vent we went back to talking normally but I probably said something I shouldn’t, I told him I’ll be moving soon to Fl, we live in the Northeast. He then says “Should I take you out at least once since I never met you” and I said “Too late” he responded saying “cool” and then after that he was just giving me dry messages after that and then left me in delivered. I wasn’t really serious about it, I should’ve told him or put an “lol” so he wouldn’t think I was serious but damage done once again. I think I’m just meant to be single.
I think it’s clear you guys disagree on a lot of major life philosophies, and that broadly it would’ve been difficult to get along with his current views. I don’t think this is anywhere near “I’m meant to be single” territory.
You just need enough time to meet someone who more aligns with where you’re at in life currently, and that just wasn’t him.
This sounds like it was a bad match for you and you are better off without them.
In my opinion, the criteria for a successful relationship is one that encourages growth. It should provides a safe space where differences, changes and mistakes are accepted without judgement. Above all, you feel loved and supported. From your limited description it does not sound like he provided any of that.
I think I’m just meant to be single.
You are 20. You are likely still discovering the type of person you are and developing the strength and tools to be that person in the face of adversity. I think that you should enjoy being single and focus on you, not some “us”.
Love who you are, build a strong and healthy relationship with yourself, and realize that you deserve somebody who will honor and respect all of you not just the bits that are convenient for them.
The way I see it, that guy has strong vibes of someone who hangs around places where he’s being told he is worthless unless he dominates a woman into becoming his servant.
The fact that he has had that idea for at least 2 years without any success shows he doesn’t have what it takes to lead that kind of operation.
The fact that he keeps coming back to you, even though you don’t share his religious views, shows he is led by his impulses more than by the values he has been told to embrace.
He will probably be running in a circle like that until he finally finds short-term contentment dating an AI chatbot.
Good for you that you are moving away.
Your message shows you can look clearly at the situation. You can gain a lot by discussing this with a counselor, a therapist or a life coach.
This may not be a popular take, but I think it’s not that complicated. Humans are complicated, though, because we all have conflicting desires that play out in odd ways. So based on your description:
He’s part of a religious family/community, and buys into the values that he was raised with. He wants marriage and kids with a woman who shares those religious values. Also, he’s also a super-horny 21-year-old man.
So he won’t pursue you seriously, because you don’t match what he’s been taught to want. But he won’t give up completely, either, because you’re a 20-year-old woman whom he also wants to bang. That’s where the suggestion to meet up before you move came from. He was hoping that sex might “just happen,” you know, a “next thing I knew” scenario.
So, if you really want to bang him, push the issue of meeting up. I bet he’ll relent. But, I think you’re better off without the drama. There are plenty of other young men in the world who you’ll find more compatibility with.
Oh wow, you know I did leave out some missing details so when I did tell him about my work at the time. When he stopped contact and then came back, he had proposed if we could be friends with benefits. I said no and I did tell him how that made me feel, he apologized for it but I’m starting to see what you’re getting at. I feel stupid for prolonging this for 2 years
Just be honest with him, like, send him roughly the info that you wrote in this post.
I personally wouldn’t date someone with such differing religious beliefs, but I also know people who’ve made this work… although expectations are something to manage for sure.Anyways, the guy seems a bit confused here, which is probably not too surprising since it seems your feelings for him are maybe unclear, even for you?
If you don’t know what you want yourself, there’s little chance that the other person does either.Good luck, whatever happens.
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I’m a little confused. Are you looking for advice? It sounds like this guy was into you but you kept friend zoning him even though you wanted to date him?
Yes I’m looking for advice
At 20, single and dating a variety of people is how you learn what you want - what’s important to you and what you’re willing to compromise on.
