My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant. Huge scandal; mom was very angry. Now they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. Mom moved out, the other woman moved in and I chose to stay with him because we’re super close; he’s like my best friend. Now mom’s telling me to go and live with her and go no contact with him cause he’s a bad person and by continuing having a relationship with him I’m condoning his actions and “ignoring her suffering”. My relationship with my dad hasn’t changed, I don’t see why I should end it.
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Your dad cheated on your mum, not on you.
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Everything involving humans is more complex and complicated than it might seem at first glance.
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Everybody makes mistakes, even your loved ones.
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You only have one dad, so it’s better to forgive them. (I didn’t forgive mine for other mistakes, and that was my mistake. Now I’m old and he is dead and that’s that.)
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Your mum is being selfish and manipulative because she is afraid and hurting. It’s not right what she is doing, but see the points above for her as well.
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Life is hard and unfair and difficult for everybody. For your dad, for your mum and also for you. It sucks when you’re stuck in the middle of other people’s problems, but remember all of this will pass. And remember to take care of yourself.
Hugs my dude. You’ll get through this and so will they.
Edit: 7. Time. Let things take time. Don’t rush what you feel or what you should feel. Don’t go overthinking everything. Things that are complicated need time to settle.
There’s a bit of difference between making a mistake and stabbing your partner in the back. He could have done it the right way, but he chose to do one of the most emotional hurtful things you can do.
He betrayed family to get laid
Point number 2. Read it again.
As of why, we can only speculate. Sometimes a disaster is what is required to get things happening that should have been over a long time ago.
They are living together already, so it was not only to get laid.
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Exactly. She moved in after. You are absolutely correct. 10/10 reading comprehension.
It would be unusual if she moved in before the ex wife moved out.
Nah, I messed up on that one. I’ll say that one.
Whoops. Just another mistake
So you’re a hypocrite? Is that really that much better?
No, I misread the final sentence. I still agree with everything I said, it was just slightly out of context so I withdrew it
But go off just being a dick
Maybe read your own point 2 again…
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My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant… Mom moved out, the other woman moved in
Staying makes it pretty clear OP is choosing a side. Theyd rather have a cool friend dad than an actual parent
Edit: not only was dad willing to blow up his family to get his dick wet, but he’s also cool with abusing his power for said reason
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Nah. I’ll keep my family values
You can go have fun blowing up a family and chalk it up to “whoops. Just another mistake”
If you are this allergic to nuance, I recommend staying away from threads that require logical/rational breakdowns of heavily-emotional topics.
You can’t just jump the gun (having fun blowing up families) about someone just because they answered OOPs question in an impartial manner.
So if you seriously cannot engage with this topic without resuming to attacks, I implore you to take a step back, reasess, and move on to something else.
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Nah. Im allowed to do whatever I want.
And I want to call out people for excusing an affair. The dad could have done it the right way, like an actual adult. Asking for a divorce is hard, but immeasurably easier emotionally to the person you make a commitment to than sneaking around and finally getting caught WITH YOUR ASSISTANT
I’m curious to learn what you think about your username in this context? What crime are you partner in and is it only breaking a partnership that is an unforgivable crime?
Are you a whale, Ross?
There are no ‘sides’.
Maybe not in a perfect world. But here there are clearly very opposing sides.
Even if the dad is cool about it and makes it seem like choosing to stay with him isn’t picking a side, it still is
My recommendation is not to side with the guy who not only had an affair but invited Ms side peice to live in their old family home
I agree with almost everything you said except 4. is only true for past mistakes. I don’t think you should excuse ongoing, genuinely harmful behaviours just because that person will be gone one day. Not that I necessarily think that’s what you meant but I wanted to emphasise it.
Absolutely. That post was not a list of commandments. It was intended as support for OP in this very moment that they are having a crisis.
I mostly agree with this comment. I want to emphasize two things:
- Your mom is now alone, and probably feels like you are choosing him instead of her. She must feel very rejected as a person, betrayal is not something you easily recover from, the more time they spent together, the harder it is to separate yourself from the situation. She will eventually get better, but take into consideration that she is desperate now.
- Depending on how old are you, I would suggest leaving your house, either to go with your mom (see above) or living alone/with roomates if you are an adult. Your dad bringing the woman to your house raises some big red flags to me. Something is not right there, I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.
That said, don’t cut your dad out of your life, but your mom is alone and betrayed, and your dad isn’t. If I were to support someone here, would be her, without cutting anyone from your life.
Honestly, I’m very happy that your post has the highest score.
All other people are spewing vitriol over either parent and not even trying to be understanding. Life is about making and learning from mistakes, and mistakes can be oh-so-horrible at times. Character value is measured by how well you navigate the stormy waves, and there’s almost never a single correct choice.
Thanks. Yeah, anything relationship oriented tends to become completely and binary moral high ground burn all bridges and salt the earth from people that have no stake in it except to have a short moment of hormones pumping before they scroll to the next bit of entertainment.
One choice is helping a faithful parent grieve, the other is to say fuck you to that person and stand by a cheater.
Such a difficult choice.
Have you considered the fact that one is a woman? Clearly it is all our fault.
Oh wait? This isn’t about 2 gay men so its equal?
Ahhh. Yeah. Its all her fault. I understand OPs dilemma now
Edit: /s
This is a wise response.
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Your Mom is hurting and lashing out.
You don’t need to fight her battles for her. But you can support her by spending time with her. If she doesn’t appreciate that, you can stop.
The demand for no contact is extreme and controlling behaviour and not something I would agree with based on the information provided.
Marriage breakdowns happen, by itself that isn’t a reason to ruin a parent-child relationship.
Yeah i can see wanting to do it of your own volition, my brother went the same way, but having one parent ask that of you is something else.
It’s extreme if it continues. Lashing out emotionally in response to being hurt isnt that crazy.
OP you have given us way little information. How was your parents marriage before this blow up? Were you not close with your mother before? You mention you are close with your father but nothing about mother. Also were you upset or angry by the actions of your father? From the information you have shared (that you are staying with your dad and his mistress), it seems that you are not bothered by what is happening.
Now based on the limited information you have given, your father is clearly the guilty party here. He did something that is morally wrong. Hopefully you understand that. Your mom is very hurt and must feeling betrayed (slightly even by you because you chose to stay with your dad and his mistress). In that emotional state, she is making a unreasonable request to you (to go no contact with your dad). If you want a good relationship with mom, you will have sit down with her and reach an understanding and compromise with her. Maybe you can go to therapy with her like some other commenters suggested. One thing I am sure about is that if you side with father on everything, you will end up estranged from your mom.
My dad tried this same trick and wanted to influence my relationship with my mom (who had an affair). I told him I understand his feelings but that he could never talk that way to me again or I would cut him out of my life immediately. This is my mom you’re talking about.
I can’t have other folks then myself decide who I interact with. It’s not like I’m taking sides or feel great about her actions, but I wasn’t gonna stop seeing her because it hurts someone else.
I never was that direct with my parents before, but it felt like if that line would be crossed it would all come crumbling down.
You should do whatever you want to. Don’t let your mother guilt trip you into cutting off a family member due to beef she has with him (regardless of whether it’s justified).
It’s frustrating to hear about parents treating their children like pawns in a break-up. I can see the temptation but it’s extremely unfair. Regardless of what people will tell you on lemmy/reddit losing contact with a parent is not a normal thing, even if some people have cut off their family members in extreme circumstances.
Most of the advice here has been good, apart from
one persona few dicks who have an overly simplistic view of the world and think they have some moral authorityYou don’t know the details of your parents’ relationship. You don’t know how they behaved when you weren’t there
Life is never black-and-white. This isn’t condoning cheating, it’s an acknowledgement that it’s very simple to say what’s right and wrong when you are on the outside
What’s shit is that you are being put in the middle
The problem is between your mother and father and neither of them should expect you to take a side, but once again, life is messy and hurt people do things in their anger and frustration that aren’t rational or reasonable
Time definitely helps, and things can take years to settle, if they ever do
It’s unfair for you to be used as a pawn in their game. People who make demands and try to squeeze you with a “you’re with me, or you’re against me” aren’t looking out for you, they’re looking out for themselves
No child should be weaponised.
If you can handle the conflict, or potentially messy details, you can ask her why she expects you to abandon your father. She might come to realise what an unfair position she’s putting you in
Either way, good luck, and remember that it’s easy to judge, but there’s a lot of truth in the old saying about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes
Kia kaha
The problem with this
dicksfine persons arguement is your choosing sides either way. Its unfortunate but true. And do you want to stand on the side of the person who didn’t cheat, or the one who didInaction is still an action
One side it trying to force them to choose a side. It is up to adults to say “this is between us, and our relationship doesn’t change your relationships.”
OP could be very supportive of their mother and still not want to move out of the home they already lived in. But it doesn’t sound like the mom wants to let OP do that.
Also, from their other comments, their father has been more supportive through their life while their mom has been cold and judgemental. Trying to force her child into a position whete they are expected to mete out judgement as well just emphasizes that they aren’t terribly concerned with the well-being of their child.
And anyway, if you want support, you should give support. And OPs mom missed that boat, so it makes sense for OP to stay with the parent who supported them.
Eh. As an adult I get to fully choose which side I’m on. And going off of the facts I had at the time, id choose the side of not being with a cheating power abuser
But since more facts have been stated besides just i dont feel like it, its easier to pick a diffrent side.
This wasn’t cheater vs homophobe at first
Mate, first off he’s not your best friend.
Could anyone here imagine if their friends did something so horrible to their mother that they caused her to break down upset? I wouldn’t fucking go hang out with them afterwards, like fuck he’s your friend.
He is your father, and apparently a terrible one if this is the life lessons he wants to impart on his son that it’s okay to be an immature fuck and cheat over get a divorce.
Cutting him off 100% doesn’t sound right, but you have clearly chosen his side and to stand by him despite how wrong it is — you’re going to have to work hard to make up for your poor choice.
You can’t immediately call dad a horrible person. We only know one side of the story. Maybe mom was cheating too? Maybe mom was abusive? Maybe this marriage was over years ago and they stayed together for the kid?
He needs to tell each parent he’s not taking sides and loves them both. People make mistakes and can be forgiven.
This person likes victim blaming
Why are you suddenly deciding that being with his father is a bad choice? We literally know nothing about whether he’s a good dad- it is possible to be a good parent and provider and a bad husband. No matter what happens in his parents relationship, both will still be his parents and it’s the parents’ job to sort it out. What we do know here is that his mom is absolutely a red flag- you do NOT manipulate your children into taking sides in a divorce. The parents should be there to support their children and not the other way around.
Don’t let her use you as leverage.
I feel you. I went through a similar ordeal 30 years ago with my dad. You should not be in the middle. It’s your parents business about their marriage. Therapy is good suggestion from others.
My bad advice for this situation would be for you to start planning on pursuing the mindset for independent living.
I get that she is hurt. To make you end your relationship with your dad is still toxic.
I get the feeling it’s less about you then her wanting to hurt him as well.
A good mother will prioritize the wellbeing of her children over winning a conflict with her (ex) partner. It is completely unfair of her to ask you to pick a side or go no contact with your father. Hopefully she’ll realize this once she’s had some time to process her (understandable) emotions. In the mean time, best of luck to you!
NGL, IMO your dad sounds like kind of a piece of shit (based on the limited information available to me). However, at the end of the day he is still your father and it’s not your job to punish him for that. That’s your mother’s lawyer’s job.
Be there for your mother if you feel up to it (and you love her), but keep in mind that it’s a parent’s job to emotionally support their children, not the other way around.
And what would a good father do champ?
Tell his son or daughter that he made a mistake, apologize for setting a bad example, and tell them the right thing to do, assuming the relationship was untenable, would’ve been to end things with his wife before pursuing someone else.
Edit: A bad husband doesn’t necessarily make a bad father, though.
Edit 2: Come to think of it, a good father would probably also have waited a little longer before having his girlfriend move in.
Yup, but the dad here instead DID just moved on and brought the side chick into their old family home
I am not a therapist. I’m guessing most people on Lemmy are not. Take anyone’s advice with a grain of salt… including this.
People make mistakes. It’s human nature for men to seek younger women because they are supposed to be more fertile. It’s human nature for women to seek older men because they are supposed to be more mature and protective.
However, that’s just thousands of years of basic instincts. We’re more educated now. We are supposed to behave like advanced creatures, go beyond our primal thinking.
That said, if you have a good relationship with your dad, don’t break ties simply because of his infidelity. Learn from his mistakes. Maybe help him understand what he did wrong. Your mom is angry because he broke a promise, a vow. She wants you on her side because she is angry with him and wants to punish him for it.
I don’t know your mom or dad or their relationship. Maybe she was a perfect saint or maybe she was cold and manipulative. Either way, he shouldn’t have chosen someone else before their relationship ended. It’s just not right to hide something like that.
Typically, a man choosing a younger woman over their wife tends not to think with their brain, but with their lust. He could very well do it again in five ten years with someone younger.
Your mom shouldn’t force you to choose, but you should definitely have some empathy for her on how their bond was broken. She is in pain. She trusted him and he failed her.
Hopefully, you will find some sort of compromise and balance. It may take time for her to understand. A long, honest talk might help the two of you get to that point.
Best of luck.
Your choices, as you’ve presented them, are so extreme. Cut your dad off forever and move out, or… do nothing?
Let’s set your mom’s demands aside for a second. Do you have any reaction to him cheating on his wife? How do you feel about that?
You should act based on how you feel about it. And if your mom is incredibly wounded by it, that can absolutely be a factor in how you feel. “Wow dad you really hurt mom. That sucks.”
I’d think that cheating on your mom should have SOME effect on you. You say your relationship with Dad hasn’t changed. Is that true? Or is it only true in comparison to your mom’s extreme demands?
Basically, stop playing this like it’s all black or all white and realize that you have a million ways to react to this situation that are in the middle somewhere.
You’re not a bad person for not moving out immediately. You actually might be a bad person if you have absolutely no problem with the cheating. But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad.
I’ll tell you right now that your Dad has rediscovered sex after aging a bunch and perhaps feeling like he’d never experience it again. That is a powerful experience for him and he won’t easily cast it aside. If you value your relationship with him, I wouldn’t try to take that away from him. He’ll react like a dog when you try to take away the steak it’s eating.
But you can disapprove of the cheating and still have a good relationship with your dad. That seemed worth saying twice. He should listen to you if you think it was wrong. He should listen to you if you are upset that he hurt your mom.
If you really just absolutely don’t care about your mother or the cheating… I don’t know what to say about that. It seems pretty cold and inhuman.
