ie
-
Whenever I see a homeless person I give them a lot of money
-
I don’t say no, I say yes and put my discomfort for anything aside, other people’s wants are more important than my feelings
-
I’m very agreeable
-
I do odd jobs for people, even those who don’t like me, and even if I’m exhausted
-
I feel really guilty if I mess up even slightly on something and I’ll apologise and let them know I am sorry for messing up
-
Constantly battling my instincts and my entire personality feels like it’s being filtered
I still feel bad and like it’s all not enough. It’s as if something’s missing, but I don’t know what that something is. Is this normal? Sometimes I think “fuck it, I’m bad, probably was born bad, why don’t I do other bad things as well since that’s what everyone expects of me now” but I push those intrusive thoughts aside.
You keep posting about this and I don’t think it’s healthy.
You are not responsible for your parent’s divorce.
Posting on the Internet will not help you. Talk to a therapist. It can take a lot work to change this mindset. You need someone to guide you. Random people on the Internet cannot do that.
Parents’ divorce? Gosh, I imagined OP had drowned an infant or something truly psychopathic. This is just blaming a kid for the actions of adults.
This isn’t really “I did a bad thing once as a child” this is just people pleasing you’ve apparently slapped a weird label on
Not gonna sugar coat it, you need therapy, bad. Punishing yourself for something that happened when you were 6 is not normal or healthy. You wouldn’t punish another 6 year old today like that, so why do it to your inner child?
I wish you the best and hope you find peace, but get off the internet and go to a professional as soon as possible.
Whatever you did when you were 6, and however terrible it was, you were SIX. You were too young to really be responsible for your actions. Stop beating yourself up about it and keep on being the good person you obviously are nowadays.
You might be a Buddhist in a former life, now reincarnated 😅
But seriously tho:
Be kind, but don’t be a pushover. You have to look out for your own interests, because no one else will
- Six-year-olds have very little agency over their minds and so little understanding of the world that IMO it’s not really worth it to view them as “guilty” of things.
- I don’t know whether this is a useful way of thinking about things for you, but most of the matter in your body has been replaced with new matter since you were six years old. I expect most of the way you think and the things you know have been replaced since then, and how your cognition works on a very basic level has changed. Like, if you’re over age 27 you have a developed prefrontal cortex that wasn’t all there before. You’ve changed enough that you could safely regard yourself as a different person in a material sense, and a much better person. Sometimes when I remember something terrible I’ve done ages ago, the way I’ll think of it is that I can destroy that other version of me by becoming a different, better person.
- You could see life-changing benefits by seeking therapy resources like DBT and CBT. Web searching these can lead you to free video resources that you could listen to while doing whatever else you do with your day.
