Seriously. I’m asocial and depressed. Also, I like spending time with people and how they’re there for me when I need it, but I also have several mental illnesses and no empathy.
I’m not obligated to give you something back when you buy something for me. I want it, and you’re nice enough to get it for me. Why do I have to give you something back? I don’t know what you want. I can guess but I can’t really tune into other people that well.
And when people ask how I am, I just say “Fine”. Why do I have to ask how they are? They never told me to ask how they are, they asked how I was. Also, what’s so wrong with “Nothing/Nun” when they ask what I did? Genuinely, I didn’t do much, there’s nothing to talk about.
It also feels easier to talk to men because they don’t seem to compete with me or expect much from me, how can I fix that so I can talk to my own gender?
Relationships are a give and take. If the person who is your friend thinks that they are giving more than taking, then they will get upset. They just want to be thought of and it’s not as important what you give back, as long as you do something. You don’t feel obligated, but you are. Just fake it till you make it if you don’t have the empathy to naturally do things for others.
Thanks!
Why do I have to ask how they are?
Are these friends or people who you might like to be not-strangers with? If so, you should want to ask of your own accord.
I believe truly having no empathy would make it impossible to form anything other than surface level friendships.
The only precious resource I own is my time, and who I spend it with. The thing in life that makes the hard times seem not so bad, and the good times twice as good, is spending with people I care about, and people that I know care about me.
To be pathological about it… My asking questions about you IS a means to an end. It gives a few useful things:
- I learn about you
- I learn about your worldview, I learn what motivates you
- and I learn where you tend to sell yourself short so I know how to encourage you
Talking about yourself is “giving” when only you share vulnerability. 1 word answers is keeping your guard up. Asking about them is “giving” because you get opportunities to learn about/support/uplift them. People like getting questions. It can make them feel cared for.
And I’m not saying anything is wrong with you. Just sharing my perspective.
And I’m a guy, so I guess you’d really be puzzled if we met IRL!
The “how are you” exchange is really just a conversation starter, a way for either one of you to talk about something that is on your mind. If you don’t reciprocate that, most people will just assume you don’t want to talk to them.
In general, if you just respond and don’t make any effort to ask questions or keep the conversation going, people will assume you don’t want to talk to them. You aren’t obligated to respond, but they are also not obligated to continue talking to someone who is clearly uninterested in talking to the .
So I guess the question is: Why do you want to talk to people if you aren’t interested in them at all?
If you’re looking for support and friendship, that is a 2-way street that requires you to support and care about them as well. Otherwise the other person can feel like you are just using them.
If you just feel that this is something you need to do to not feel like a failure, that’s different. It’s not a failure to struggle with something, even if it seems everyone else just “gets it”. It’s just human. You might be happier with more socializing, but you are fine and perfectly acceptable without it.
All that said, depression is also a liar. It will tell you that people don’t like you or at least don’t care. It will cherry-pick bad memories to drive a wedge between you and others to feed itself.
I hope at least some of this helps
I hate reciprocal giving. I feel it just creates garbage. I believe in opportunity giving. When you have the opportunity to give something that is meaningful for someones life. I have no advice for you though.
Agreed. I always forget to give someone something meaningful unless they specifically ask too. Like a robot who can’t do things outside of the code given.
