This is about to be some real shit about a failing (failed?) marriage. Get out now if that is not for you.

My wife and I, both in our 40s, have been together for a long time, 20+ years. About 10 years ago our daughter was born and that was pretty good. I was stupid and had an affair during that first year because I was immature and, in retrospect, wasn’t able to handle the shift in my wife’s attention from me to my daughter.

We worked it out. We moved to a bigger house that is paid off. My mom died and left us all some money. Then my wife was diagnosed with MS about 4 years ago and things have been on the decline.

We haven’t had sex in a year and neither of us again expects to. She has been depressed and I don’t know how to help her. We recently, like yesterday, determined in a mutual discussion that we no longer had a romantic relationship, but that we had a good partnership for raising our daughter and generally handling life. While it was good to get an unspoken truth out there, it hurts. I think that we both feel lonely in the aching soul sort of way. Last night, when we went to bed, for first time that I can recall, she didn’t say, “I love you,” and neither did I. My Prozac is working overtime, and she shuts down when I suggest mental health support for her.

So, here’s the question. What now?

  • foggy@lemmy.world
    27·
    3 months ago

    Yo man, love is not what you thought it was, and this is a part of it. It’s very normal for stuff like that to come up when a child is born. It’s common to find yourself in ruts where you don’t feel attracted to one another. Most of all, it’s super fucking healthy to talk about it and not just pretend like everything is great.

    Best advice is that you, her, and the two of you as a couple all get in therapy. Talking with people about this stuff is what helps that settle the dust after that flashbang.

    My therapist would say “yeah, you’re not going to be wild about each other all the time without MDMA or cocaine. And it wouldn’t be healthy. This is healthy.”

    If she’s shutting down when you suggest mental health support for her, suggest it for her for you. She might not think she needs it but you two are a dyadic unit. You live together, her her mental health affects you both, just as yours affects her.