Fam, the TLDR I’m hearing isn’t “wish my folks made healthier life choices and hadn’t conceived me in such a specifically shameful manner that affects my life”, but “I wish I was never born, DAE feel this way?”
My answer is that, this seems deeper than what lemmy can offer, it’s worth talking to a therapist about, and I hope you can find a way forward for you.
I used to be unable to hold my right hand still in the air without slight tremors, and I noticed how it went away some months after I quit playing this one mmo with excessive clicking. Phlebotomy is so much easier with a calm hand. Maybe the toy would help if it’s hands-free?
Adding this fun read because I know hands do get numb from holding strongly vibrating things for excessive periods of time: https://www.cdc.gov/niosh/docs/83-110/default.html
Moreso in your jerking hand, or both? Not that I have any qualifications to answer further – better to check with your doctor how serious it is.