Almost 15 years ago. Not my MC, but I worked at the same company for several years leading into it. None of the glory is mine, and I am not any of the named or fired characters in this story.

The setup needs some backstory for the MC to fully marinate, so bear with me for a moment. Tl;dr at the end.

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Cast of Characters:

• Mr. Wheatley: VP of Technology. The protagonist, at least in his eyes.
• Lamprey: Lead Developer Career Backstabber Director of IT at time of MC, and sycophant attached to Mr. Wheatley
• Bottom: Director of IT Manager of Systems Guy who gets demoted every time Lamprey or Wheatley’s knives need sharpening. He stubbornly refuses to quit despite the messages being sent, which is why he earns this moniker despite my like for the guy.
• Chad: Originally our phone guy. Dispenser of MC who enters late into the story.
• Chadette: A floor manager. Single mom with cancer and two sons that she struggles to provide for.

I once worked IT for a callcenter selling a morally questionable study product. The scam isn’t obvious when you’re interviewing for the position, but once you start walking the halls long enough people start talking and you learn what’s really going on. The company has changed its name and product several times for legal reasons since I left, a fact well-known to us worker bees helping our later employers verify that the shithole company listed in our work history actually existed at some point.

In addition to the questionable nature of the product, the company itself was basically a bingo card for corporate corruption. Shipping department pocketing the difference between standard and expedited shipping if the customer requested expedited and was within a certain mileage of the package carrier? Check. President knocking up his executive assistant behind his wife’s back? Check. Friends of that executive assistant being given casual walks around the block while being told to keep their faceholes shut about what they know? Check, and probably because the CEO is the wife of the President. Oops?

It was in this environment that the protagonist enters the story. We shall call him “Wheatley”. Wheatley is an IT enthusiast (particular emphasis on this word) and stakeholder in the company who had recently returned from setting up a chemical plant in a country known for its lax safety standards. For reasons unknown to us worker bees, Wheatley had decided that he wanted a position of leadership over the IT department. The powers that be granted his wish, inserting a “VP of Technology” above the Director of IT.

• Bottom is the Director of IT. Intelligent, but occasionally pensive and nervous when pressured. Despite these tendencies, he will usually stand up for what he feels is the decision with the most objective merit. Poor guy never stood a chance.

• Wheatley has a doctorate. Some of you working under douchebags probably know where this is going already. Wheatley wanted everyone to know that he had this doctorate, as evidenced by his insistence in correcting any employee who did not address him as “Dr. Wheatley”. He will be henceforth referred to in this post as Mr. Wheatley. Mr. Wheatley is an abusive narcissist who is convinced that he is a comedian and knows technology better than the people reporting up to him. His standard joke is to scrutinize the opinions of employees multiple rungs beneath him and joke about firing them. These “jokes” are always given a halfway serious delivery that communicates to the target that he is in fact halfway serious and could have them defenestrated if the mood suited him. He has an unhappy marriage and occasionally unleashes his scowling daughter on the mostly empty cube farm where IT resides, whereupon she crayons on those cube walls in a desperate bid for attention from the father who is too busy palling around with the executives upstairs or making a nuisance of himself in front of the worker bees who would rather be spending time on their actual jobs.

• Lamprey is the lead developer and began palling around with Mr. Wheatley during a transition between buildings. When we arrived for our first day at the new location, we learned that 1) Bottom had been demoted into “Manager of Systems” (a role created specifically for his demotion) and 2) Lamprey had been given the Director title in his place. Questionable, but okay.

So begins their reign of terror.

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In his new role, Lamprey is a standard issue IT egoist who knows a few things and has let this get to his head. This self-assuredness is what won him a seat at the table of Mr. Wheatley. He does not like having his authority questioned, regardless of the merits involved in the opposing arguments, and will ensure that a disciplinary slip lands in your HR folder the next day if you fail to follow his direction on implementing something to the letter. (warnings? what are those?)

Chad is hired around this time. He was brought into the systems team to help wrestle with the phone system, but also dabbles with Linux in his spare time. He is not an actual Linux guy and makes sure people know this. For reasons unknown to Chad, Mr. Wheatley immediately takes a shine to him. It’s probably because Chad has a good sense of humor, but also because he’s not as worn down as the other worker bees and able to keep a smile on his face while laughing at Mr. Wheatley’s shitty jokes, all the while hating his guts just as much as the rest of us.

A few months pass. Chad strikes up a relationship with Chadette, a single mom with cancer struggling to provide for her two sons. They are both cool people and this was a genuinely awesome thing. This was, unfortunately, one of the few high notes that year for their mutual work friends.

• One of the two guys in helpdesk who everyone knew had a baby on the way gets laid off with no notice.
• Disciplinary slips continue to fly on a whim, including to an employee who worked a night of unbilled overtime at his own discretion to try and make a solution work after Lamprey decided that he didn’t want any more time being spent on it. (incidentally missing a call from a friend who committed suicide that night)

Needless to say, morale in the IT department is at an all-time low. So what does Mr. Wheatley decide to do out of nowhere? Demote Bottom again! Chad is stunned with disbelief when he (the phone guy!!) is promoted to manager over Bottom and the Linux admins, who he previously reported to. Bottom is no longer a manager at all, and his direct colleagues are people who have been with the company prior to the VP of Technology role even existing. He stubbornly refuses to quit despite this, but this is the last straw for some of his colleagues and they bail out of respect for him even if he is unwilling (or unable?) to do so for his own pride.

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The MC

Chadette is still fighting against cancer, and some days are much worse than others. Chad had started living with her recently, and occasionally comes into work late because he is helping to get her sons to school.

For this next part, it’s important to understand that most IT employees enter the building through a side entrance that is closest to the server room. It is immediately adjacent to a stairwell, and only leadership and IT have access to badge through the door. For this reason it is generally a low traffic area.

One day, Chad arrives late from dropping off Chadette’s sons and finds Mr. Wheatley standing on the other side of the door waiting for him. It is very deliberate. It is at this point that he drops a quip that is stunning, even with his well-entrenched reputation for being a shiteater.

“You know, at some point, you really need to think about what is more important…”

Chad is stunned into silence with disbelief for a moment. Did he hear that correctly? He knows that Mr. Wheatley is aware of the extenuating circumstances, so is it actually possible that he just said that out loud? It takes a moment to process, but Chad was given his name for a reason in this story, and he has balls of steel.

“OK”

Chad turns right back around, walks back to his car, and drives home. Message received, motherfucker.

When Chad doesn’t show up to work the next day, it probably begins to sink in with Mr. Wheatley the extent to which he just fucked up. Particularly since the only person who is good at wrangling the phone system has ditched – arguably the most important person in callcenter ops. To his credit (unless it was because something broke), he waits two weeks before he finally gives Chad a call on his cell. Wheatley plays it cool with Chad and starts with making small talk, completely ignoring the elephant in the room. Everyone is cordial. Once Mr. Wheatley has a good sense for the temperature and determines that hands are not going to emerge from his phone and repeatedly slam his face into a wall, he finally broaches his main reason for calling.

“So, when do you think you’re coming back to the office?”

Chad could get justifiably quite angry here, but he’s already thought this through ahead of time.

“That was my notice.” click

A few months later, I’m hanging out with Chad and Chadette at their house and this story is relayed to me over showing him BlazBlue multiplayer on PS3. They were awesome people who deserved each other, and I couldn’t be more proud of how he chose her over one of the biggest workplace douchebags I’ve ever had the displeasure of encountering.

Bottom finally quit sometime after this if I have my timeline straight. Poor Bottom. :( Eventually there was a near full turnover of everyone who had been in the IT department since before Mr. Wheatley joined the company, and he got grilled for it. Lamprey was still there because, well, he’s a goddamn lamprey.

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tl;dr

IT “enthusiast” with partial ownership in company has a VP position created for himself over IT department, erects a hegemony of asskissing around himself, demotes a director twice until he is no longer a manager at all, lays off an employee expecting a baby with no notice. Douche canoe finally gets his comeuppance when the most vital ops employee quits without notice after being told to choose between work and his girlfriend with two sons and cancer. Eventually there is a full turnover of IT, minus the sycophant who got promoted for his asskissing. Get fucked, Mr. Wheatley.

Edits: Neglected to mention that there had been a full turnover of IT under Mr. Wheatley’s watch, minus Lamprey. Age of Blazblue on PS3 used to better approximate when this happened. Importance of MC wielder’s job function.